I sort of enjoy watching capitalism collapse, sort of like a rat on a sinking ship who hates the ship.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
They’re shutting down schools and building more prisons but at least they recognize you can’t do one without the other.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Funny prank: go to the dentist and tell him your teeth have been bothering you. When he asks which ones, pull out a sandwich bag that holds all your bloody teeth.
I’m twenty six now but I’ll have turned twenty four by the time I move to Hollywood.
I don’t want to sound racist but every time I see a scary minority in a dark alley… I mug him.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday is called “Humpday” because it’s the middle of the work week, when you really feel like you’re getting fucked.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I saw a bumper sticker that said, “it is what it is,” which comes out to the same thing as not having that sticker.
Did you know that many states refused to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr day until the year 2000? Despite claims to the contrary, that is because these states are racist.
I updated an old joke to make it edgy: Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 raped 9.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Day by day, moment by moment, Jesse Elias is crushing your comedy dreams by living them himself. His accomplishments are numerous, and grand, and will instantly make clear how sallow and pathetic your own accomplishments are in comparison. He is the #1 winner of the San Jose Orange Peeling Competition, he owns one or more cars, and he has taught a storytelling workshop at San Quentin prison. He has also written Final Fantasy VII fanfiction in which the characters fight and win a battle against the villain from Saw. Jesse Elias is going to stick his finger in your mouth.
Continue reading “Fake Bios for Local Comedians” »
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I was at a restaurant in Hollywood and there wasn’t a soul in the place, despite the people.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
My friend asked me, “what are you going to do when you turn eighty?” so I said, “what do you mean when?”
“Take life one day at a time,” sounds like the affirmation of a serial killer.
There wouldn’t be so much traffic if people just drove motorcycles, specifically, into stuff.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I did a cameo in a video made by my good friend Greg Armstrong but he took it down so if you didn’t catch it on January 5th you’re out of luck.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
At the University of Phoenix you don’t get a diploma they just frame a copy of your receipt.
If you put enough motivational seminars into a crazy person they will turn a bus into a hostage situation.
The Baby Boomers ruined everything, including us.
Friday, December 30, 2011
My friend is so British he thinks blood sausage is a type of food.
