Clever Things to Say will no longer be updated Monday through Friday. I'll still post longer pieces but most of my short jokes will now be appear on twitter, which you can find below. For more me visit MilesK.net. Thanks for everything you guys!
April 22, 2013
Tagsabsurd America aphorism cars cartoons children cliche cliches culture cynicism dark humor death drinking drugs education food fun health hipsters holidays I irony jokes love medicine metaphor murder new sayings not funny old sayings philosophy politics relationships religion romance science sex silly stupid technology television thursday special violence witty replies work
I have an idea for a libertarian super hero named, “The Invisible Hand.” His parents were killed by union organizers.
How come when I type “mexican” into Yelp it only gives me restaurants?
I never put gas in my Gremlin after midnight.
How about a sci-fi show where the space ship just flies around looking for parking?
Hitler was a motivational speaker.
- Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.
- When your entire face tingles you are about to be tagged in a photo.
- Finding a spider in your bathtub means you must touch an old man’s leg before you buy your next lotto ticket.
- Take a fun, fanciful word that describes you and then add the word “taco” after it. That is your online dating screen name.
- A barista using whole milk instead of skim to make your coffee drink means your day is ruined.
- If an expert on a daytime television show lists seven signs that your partner is cheating on you and all of them apply then that expert is a witch.
- Passing by an accident on your way home from work is good luck.
- If no hummingbirds visit your hummingbird feeder then your children will be autistic.
Whole Foods is the only grocery store where I go window shopping.
Eventually, every tattoo looks like someone shook them up in an etcha sketch.
I’ve done pretty much everything I wanted to do with my life and now it’s horrible.
Why do couples out together on the weekend, especially the ones wearing The North Face gear, look so sad?
You ever feel sad and lonely and then Netflix recommends, “Friends?”
If you take a militant approach expect a militant response.
North of the border they call us, “Canada Mexico.”
My smartphone has a cracked screen for the same reason I wear torn jeans, because broken objects are cooler than nice ones.
The message of both political parties isn’t about what they will do but, “We’ll keep you safe from the other guys.”
No one knows you like I wish I didn’t.
I’ve been following this whole pope thing religiously.