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If I Had Starred in the Shining

I recently had the opportunity to see The Shining on the big screen and let me tell you, what a cinematic achievement! Though, some part of me, could not help but think, “What if I had been in this movie?” If I had, it would have been pretty different.1 Now, first things first, when the owners of the hotel told me that there would be no alcohol in the place, I would have shrugged and said, “No problem,” since I would have brought a grocery bag full of marijuana with me. I also would not have taken the job nearly as seriously as Jack Nicholson. Hiding behind the pretext of professional responsibility as a reason for killing your family doesn’t seem like something I could get into. If a ghost in a bathroom told me that I was the eternal caretaker of the hotel, I would have said, “Thanks but no thanks,” and then probably laid off the grocery weed for a couple days.2 Read the rest of the piece at The Higgs Weldon

Theodore Roosevelt’s Big Deal

I’ve been watching Ken Burns’ new Roosevelt documentary and I thought I’d share some of the fascinating things I’ve learned. If you look at pictures of young Theodore Roosevelt, you see how lean and fine his features were. As he aged his head grew physically larger, as befits a great leader. Many other parts of his body grew as well, including his midsection, and his hands. By the end of his presidency he was able to flick a football across the room. Even his manhood increased gradually in size. At Oval Office meetings he was known to brag, “I am the largest president to ever sit in this office, if you understand my implication.” To which Secretary of Defense Barnacus Morgan often replied, “Yes indeed Mr Presidnt, we can feel it kicking our feet under the table.”

It was known to eat crumbs and foodstuffs dropped at dinner parties. The governor of Missouri was once reprimanded for slapping away the president’s organ as it had incessantly begged him for a chicken bone.
To his aides, he would remark, “Someday, when it has grown to its full size, I intend to shoot it and hang it on my wall.”
“Ha! Very good sir,” his aides would chuckle as they attempted to keep it from slobbering on their shoes. Amongst servants, it was the most hated job in the house to clean its water bowl.

But Theodore was not joking about his intentions and two years after leaving office he shot it off with an elephant gun and placed it in his trophy room like the great pink trunk of a prehistoric ant-eater. In later years, the Roosevelt children would dare each other to touch it, but of course the only one brave enough to do so was young Franklin, who went so far as to rig it up with a piece of string such that when servants entered into the room it would rear its head and peel back the foreskin, causing no small number of fine china plates, cups, and saucers to be dropped upon the floor.

Big Life

Sometimes, life feels a lot like that movie Big with Tom Hanks. That’s the one where he’s a thirteen year old boy who makes a wish to be grown up. I made the same sort of wish when I was his age. Today, I woke up and it had come true.

It seems like just yesterday I was thirteen and masturbating furiously at the drop of a hat. Back then, I couldn’t wait to have all the advantages of adulthood but still continue to play video games, collect action figures and read fantasy novels like that cool dude Jason that rented a room in my mom’s house.

So now my life is really like Big. I have the body of a man but the activities and colorful shirts of an adolescent boy. Activities like indoor skateboarding, watching cartoons and furiously masturbating whenever anyone drops a hat… and I mean anyone. Plus, if a woman gets too emotionally close, I just tell her I’m actually a little boy, which is a classic line from the beloved film!

Facedancing Skech

higsweldonMy new advertisement for an unpaid, personal assistant is up. Well over half of the text was culled directly from craigslist, ads for unpaid internships. Even though the ad is a joke please feel free to send me your resume.

You can read it at the Higgs Weldon.

Recognizing People You Know in Porn (for VICE)

Photo by Blair Hopkins

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, watching porn together can be a great way to spice up your sex life. I’ve found watching pornography with girls to be a mixed experience, at best. Even when it’s her idea it’s still an emotional minefield. I find it’s better to let her pick the video because I know that when it’s my turn to find a two minute internet clip I will be judged based on my selection. First and foremost, the featured performer should not be of a different ethnicity or have larger breasts or different colored hair than my lady friend. In fact, it seems that it should look exactly like her. Really, it ought to just be a video of somebody else having sex with her. Otherwise I run the risk of provoking, “Oh so that’s what you really want to see? Some Asian girl with big tits?” which, of course, is exactly what I wanted to see.

Read the rest at



I have an idea for a libertarian super hero named, “The Invisible Hand.” His parents were killed by union organizers.

I never put gas in my Gremlin after midnight.

Nudge the envelope.

How about a sci-fi show where the space ship just flies around looking for parking?

Hitler was a motivational speaker.

8 Modern Day Omens

  1. Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.
  2. When your entire face tingles you are about to be tagged in a photo.
  3. Finding a spider in your bathtub means you must touch an old man’s leg before you buy your next lotto ticket.
  4. Take a fun, fanciful word that describes you and then add the word “taco” after it. That is your online dating screen name.
  5. A barista using whole milk instead of skim to make your coffee drink means your day is ruined.
  6. If an expert on a daytime television show lists seven signs that your partner is cheating on you and all of them apply then that expert is a witch.
  7. Passing by an accident on your way home from work is good luck.
  8. If no hummingbirds visit your hummingbird feeder then your children will be autistic.

Whole Foods is the only grocery store where I go window shopping.

Eventually, every tattoo looks like someone shook them up in an etcha sketch.

I’ve done pretty much everything I wanted to do with my life and now it’s horrible.

Why do couples out together on the weekend, especially the ones wearing The North Face gear, look so sad?

You ever feel sad and lonely and then Netflix recommends, “Friends?”

If you take a militant approach expect a militant response.

North of the border they call us, “Canada Mexico.”