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Big Life

Sometimes, life feels a lot like that movie Big with Tom Hanks. That’s the one where he’s a thirteen year old boy who makes a wish to be grown up. I made the same sort of wish when I was his age. Today, I woke up and it had come true.

It seems like just yesterday I was thirteen and masturbating furiously at the drop of a hat. Back then, I couldn’t wait to have all the advantages of adulthood but still continue to play video games, collect action figures and read fantasy novels like that cool dude Jason that rented a room in my mom’s house.

So now my life is really like Big. I have the body of a man but the activities and colorful shirts of an adolescent boy. Activities like indoor skateboarding, watching cartoons and furiously masturbating whenever anyone drops a hat… and I mean anyone. Plus, if a woman gets too emotionally close, I just tell her I’m actually a little boy, which is a classic line from the beloved film!

Facedancing Skech

higsweldonMy new advertisement for an unpaid, personal assistant is up. Well over half of the text was culled directly from craigslist, ads for unpaid internships. Even though the ad is a joke please feel free to send me your resume.

You can read it at the Higgs Weldon.

Recognizing People You Know in Porn (for VICE)

Photo by Blair Hopkins

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, watching porn together can be a great way to spice up your sex life. I’ve found watching pornography with girls to be a mixed experience, at best. Even when it’s her idea it’s still an emotional minefield. I find it’s better to let her pick the video because I know that when it’s my turn to find a two minute internet clip I will be judged based on my selection. First and foremost, the featured performer should not be of a different ethnicity or have larger breasts or different colored hair than my lady friend. In fact, it seems that it should look exactly like her. Really, it ought to just be a video of somebody else having sex with her. Otherwise I run the risk of provoking, “Oh so that’s what you really want to see? Some Asian girl with big tits?” which, of course, is exactly what I wanted to see.

Read the rest at



I have an idea for a libertarian super hero named, “The Invisible Hand.” His parents were killed by union organizers.

I never put gas in my Gremlin after midnight.

Nudge the envelope.

How about a sci-fi show where the space ship just flies around looking for parking?

Hitler was a motivational speaker.

8 Modern Day Omens

  1. Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.
  2. When your entire face tingles you are about to be tagged in a photo.
  3. Finding a spider in your bathtub means you must touch an old man’s leg before you buy your next lotto ticket.
  4. Take a fun, fanciful word that describes you and then add the word “taco” after it. That is your online dating screen name.
  5. A barista using whole milk instead of skim to make your coffee drink means your day is ruined.
  6. If an expert on a daytime television show lists seven signs that your partner is cheating on you and all of them apply then that expert is a witch.
  7. Passing by an accident on your way home from work is good luck.
  8. If no hummingbirds visit your hummingbird feeder then your children will be autistic.

Whole Foods is the only grocery store where I go window shopping.

Eventually, every tattoo looks like someone shook them up in an etcha sketch.

I’ve done pretty much everything I wanted to do with my life and now it’s horrible.

Why do couples out together on the weekend, especially the ones wearing The North Face gear, look so sad?

You ever feel sad and lonely and then Netflix recommends, “Friends?”

If you take a militant approach expect a militant response.

North of the border they call us, “Canada Mexico.”

My smartphone has a cracked screen for the same reason I wear torn jeans, because broken objects are cooler than nice ones.

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