Some people claim to be loved by their cats. It isn’t love if a change in relative size between the two parties would lead to murder.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Whoshotwhatinthefacenow? I asked for a Crush soda not a crushed leg! Mommy I left my hand in the tiltawhirl.
Here’s why I don’t want kids: sex is amazing and anything that feels that good must have a terrible consequence.
If we actually held to the idea that the punishment ought fit the crime there’d be a lot more crooked politicians put through shredders.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I was fired from a job for leaving a sign on my office door that said, “gone fishing.” It seems they’re just really strict down at the aquarium.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I’m often tempted to bring a gun to work. I’m a comedian.
I’ve wasted so much time but it never seems to be enough.
A girl once sprayed me with mace. I screamed, “Bitch! You blinded me with science!”
In attempting to keep up with the Jones’ I accidentally ran over the Smith’s.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Practitioners of natural medicine speak as if disease were not perfectly natural. The whole point of medicine is to extend one’s life through unnatural means.
I may hate the person I become when drinking but in all fairness I dont think he cares for me either.
10. Finding Your Light 9. Inner Light 8. Finding Your Inner Light 7. Flipping Your Inner Switch 6. The Quest for Power 5. Turned On and Plugged In 4. Better Love Through Light 3. The Secret 2. Lightening Your Load 1. Finding Your Light Switch in a Darkened Room
A hypochondriac is someone who’s actual illness is the only one she isn’t treating.
I remember it differently. As I recall, I was the one who took no pleasure from the act.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The ‘counter’ in counter culture now refers to the counter at a clothing store.
My goal is not to find where I belong but the appropriate way to be apart.
For Henry Kissinger, power is the only aphrodisiac.