Thursday, December 31, 2009
In the last few days I’ve been asking people about their plans for New Year’s Eve. So I wrote down some of the more popular and interesting responses. Get drunk Get wasted Get drunk and wasted Make up for entire year’s worth of disappointing parties Rape Anxiously host new Year’s party and pray friends come [...]
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
“My boyfriend has a feminine side.” “Is it the inside? Because that’s where my penis would go.”
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Clothes are half of what makes a man who he is. Take your favorite super hero, put him in drag, is he still your favorite?
Monday, December 28, 2009
It’s tough not to live in fear when there’s a massive conspiracy pumping it into the air around us.
Friday, December 25, 2009
As kids we hope that every Christmas gift is a toy and not an article of clothing. As we grow older, toys get phased out and replaced with socks, scarves and sweaters. I still open my gifts hoping for toys and the resulting disappointment: that’s adulthood.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
This is a sketch I’m currently working on to be performed at a time and location as of yet undetermined. So both of you are test subjects for our new truth serum? A: Yes B: No You’re not both here for the serum experiment? A: No B: Yes Are you here for the experiment? A: [...]
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
When it comes to money I have nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing.
Monday, December 21, 2009
They say, “you’re only young once” but that’s not true. Some people are never young.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Starbucks has figured out a thousand ways to sell us a single thing.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I finally met a woman who truly understands me. She has since left as a result.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The children on Wall Street just play robbers.
Monday, December 14, 2009
When I’m on the way to my therapist I think, “I’ll bet she looks forward to this all day.”
Friday, December 11, 2009
Growing up my mother used to tell me “you’re one of a million.”
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Making a Resume 1. Impress them from the first glance: print it on human skin. 2. Use action language instead of saying, “I carried water” say “I expedited vital resource acquisition” or instead of saying, “smuggled ammo” say “re-purposed rectal cavity”. 3. Don’t use complete sentences. It will set you apart and you will be [...]
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Television should be asking itself, “what’s the best way to raise a child?”
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
If America were to build anything on the moon it would probably be a prison.
I dropped out of high school after I was voted most likely to secede.
It’s always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”