(to be used in case I am ever elected to anything)

A lot of people have criticized my tactics and many of you have called me names. Well who’s calling names now you stinking animals? Shut up!

To those of you who have supported me throughout this campaign: cower in fear. You shall all become intimately familiar with the many crevices and nooks of my boot-heel after I have placed it firmly upon your stupid, ugly faces. My first act shall be to enforce mandatory uniforms, not just for students of our schools but for all residents of this community. This will help to distinguish between you, the worker drones, and me, who will be wearing your former clothes. My second act will be strike you in the neck.

“Why am I so bitter?” you might ask were your yokel mouth not gummed shut by a wooden spoonful of peanut butter. I will tell you. As a child my dog was killed, by me, when I beat him to death with our turtle. Ever since then I swore I would get revenge on that turtle and barring him everyone else instead. NOW IS WHERE I TELL A JOKE: They said it would be a long hard journey to get to city hall, but at least I (unlike the rest of you) won’t be wearing chains during the parade. Laugh you goddamn savages!

Lastly I would like to thank my wife who is currently running around the auditorium flicking you all in the ear. Mary, you are the greatest wife a man could ever ask for. But some wives must not be asked for they must be taken. Guards! Drag her from the premises. Now, everyone else, present me with your wives. I shall pick from amongst them.

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