Friday, February 26, 2010
Practice football and you’re sure to be better prepared when game night arrives. Practice abstinence and you will certainly fumble on the night in question.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I saw myself represented as a dot on a graph and not unflatteringly.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Corporations would be environmentally friendly if we were on Jupiter.
Monday, February 22, 2010
HBO: Intelligent drama with tits and ass.
Friday, February 19, 2010
If you were to thaw her heart there’d be nothing left.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Ungrateful Little Bastards Report College is “Alright” Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder Suicide Pact Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner Wrecking Ball Operator Wins Big in Slamming of Abandoned Pog Factory Some were originally printed in the Heuristic Squelch
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The only thing worse than a man who spends all his time in front of a mirror is a man who spends his time behind one.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The two party system is a mobius strip.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Presidents’ day was inaugurated in 1880 as a whole extra day for, and experienced exclusively by, the President. During this day he could spend his time as he wished in leisure or just catching up on errands without having to worry about the forward arrow of time generating events that would effect the rest of [...]
Friday, February 12, 2010
I do the right thing out of a desire to hold it over other people’s heads. It’s like blackmail in reverse.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
“First things first,” I always say. I say it all the time and no one ever disagrees. This is because I’m the boss around here and if people disagree with me I fire their asses. Onetime I had a sandwich that didn’t agree with me and I fired that too. Some people beg me not [...]
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
My integrity is not for sale and won’t be until it can fetch a better price.
The definition of brevity is concise.
Sometimes it feels like you’re on the outside looking in and then you realize it’s the reverse and you shut the blinds on whoever that is standing by your window.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Now that I’ve stopped drinking I don’t have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I want to start a dating site for stalkers where all the women on the site don’t realize it.
When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it’s not a trap door.