“First things first,” I always say. I say it all the time and no one ever disagrees. This is because I’m the boss around here and if people disagree with me I fire their asses. One time, I had a sandwich that didn’t agree with me so I fired that too. Some people beg me not to fire them and I sagely stroke my leg and tell them that they’d have to make it worth my while. When they ask what I mean I write a number onto a piece of paper, fold it up and hand it to them. When they open it up they see that it actually says, “will work for food” and I tell them they should practice writing that on the side of a torn up box but I tell them not to take any of our boxes because those are company property.
Once I fired a guy while he was on vacation. When he came back I told him he could go back on vacation. Then I handed him a cardboard sign that said, “will work for food”. Another time I interviewed a woman who claimed that she had never been fired. “We’ve all been fired at least a little, at some point” I said. But she insisted that she hadn’t. So I beat her with an umbrella and pushed her out the window.
After a good firing I’ve usually worked up quite an appetite. So I head down to the seafood shack and hire one of the lobsters out of the tank to be my dinner. I’ll name him Mr. Snaps and sometimes I’ll make the lobster fight a crab in the parking lot and then I’ll eat the winner. After that I go home to my wife. I’ll pretend to fire her and then she asks what she can do to keep her job. So I make her suck me off. After that I leisurely fire the cleaning lady. Then I take a crack at firing the argumentative mailman who constantly insists that I don’t have the authority to fire him. One of these days I’m going to put a rat trap in the mailbox.