Thursday, September 30, 2010
Succulent carrion spotted by beady eyes of Meg Whitman Local pumpkin patch encourages wasting of food Habitable planet discovered, space race ensues to see who will destroy planet first
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Christians don’t delete messages. They prefer them saved.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Vegetarians always say, “animals have feelings too,” but what if all their feelings are evil? Pigs will eat bacon you know.
Monday, September 27, 2010
There’s a big difference between saying someone died in your arms versus they died in your hands.
Friday, September 24, 2010
I wrote a play on words but no one came to the premier.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I spend winter trapped in empty hotel with wife and stepson but merely fail to write novel
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I saw a billboard advertising, “Walk to Prevent Suicide.” I usually just take a nap.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Bear 1: Have you seen the latest line of bear traps? Bear 2: Ughh. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I’m really glad toothpicks don’t serve the same function as ice picks.
Friday, September 17, 2010
I want to make an ad campaign for adult diapers that is so terrifying it causes people to crap their pants. Then they’ll really wish they’d been wearing my diapers.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I’m about to take a trip and one of the places I will visit is Texas. So I researched these facts in preparation: Texas is known as the “Buckle of the Bible Belt.” It is the US state closest to the Sun. Texas is the largest contiguous state meaning even the state itself has an [...]
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A wheelchair bound man walks into a bar. It’s a miracle!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My phone bill reads, “Printed on recyclable paper.” Not ‘recycled’ but ‘recyclable’. It’s like they already know I’m going to throw it out.
Monday, September 13, 2010
What kind of wine goes well with breakfast?
Friday, September 10, 2010
I’m writing a book called “Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Teenage Soul.”
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Drugs aren’t user friendly.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
This Israeli spell-check refuses to recognize the word ‘Palestine’.
Monday, September 6, 2010
In attempting to prolong my youth I am rapidly aging myself.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Ways to make your day longer: “I sure hope this airline doesn’t have any hidden charges.” “Well if they don’t, there are some in my bag.”