New airport scanners can and will measure your cock
In preparation for the coming war of man against machine, airport scanners are taking stock of the population’s manhood singling out those most likely to show resistance to the digital tyranny. The machines have already determined that the first to die will be men whose penises measure above the average and that the first order of the war will be to construct massive metal cocks to which humanity could never even aspire.

Wal-mart greeter wishes death upon shoppers, “a happy thanksgiving”
Employees of the national chain Wal-Mart were forced to labor during a holiday as uncaring shoppers purchased the things they forgot to get the day before.

“Lebanese Armenians riot in Beirut Over Erdogan visit” claims inscrutable headline
A news item with four murky references confused and bewildered readers as it attempted to inform them of violence taking place between foreign ethnic groups in an area Americans could not identify on a globe if their lives depended on it.

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