Ellen Degeneres stunt double: My tall lanky frame combined with the fact that Ellen has very few dangerous action scenes make me an ideal candidate for this position.

Impersonal Shopper: I don’t know if I’d be cut out to buy things on behalf of a particular person but I could certainly go around buying stuff that someone is bound to like. I would buy it and then people could just come through and route around in my pile of stuff. If they find something they like they take it and give me money.

Pool Tester: Here would be a typical exchange in my role as a swimming pool tester, “Brr. Too cold. You’re going to have to buy a different pool.”

Fish: Doesn’t seem too hard to me.

Hoarse Whisperer: I could be someone with a scratchy voice that speaks quietly into your ear.

Music Reviewer Critic: I may not have the necessary knowledge of music in order to be a reviewer myself but my knowledge of snide, detached wannabes is unparalleled. As a music reviewer critic I would dissect and analyze the class of human beings that describe other people’s artistic labors with phrases such as, “3 and a half stars.”

US Manufacturing Job: Just kidding, I’d be a lousy factory worker.

Soup Can Manager: Do grocery stores or private homes need someone to boss around their soup cans? That could be me.

Male Breast Inspector: Let’s be realistic here, no one’s getting paid to inspect women’s breasts.

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