I am known for many things but not one of them is the murder of a famous actress. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because I’ve never murdered a famous actress, perhaps not. People know me as a safe driver, a good gift giver and an expert dog walker but not as the killer of a world renowned female cinematic star. The fact of the matter is that my gift giving is nothing to brag about, I just buy whatever’s recommended on end of the year gift lists. As to being an expert dog walker, what does that even mean? It’s the kind of thing people say when they’re trying to make you feel better about your failed vegan food cart.

So a lot of things I’m well known for are either exaggerations or flat out falsehoods, but still you’ll never hear anyone say, “That guy there strangled a young starlet while posing as a limo driver.” I think it might be interesting to have that reputation. You could become even more famous than the actress herself and your fame might be longer lasting if you murdered her in a particularly gruesome way. I bet if you scalped her entire crown and wore it around like a wig that would really get people talking. They’d probably call you the Mad Hatter or the Wig Killer. In fact, I heard about this one guy who killed an actress and the way he did it was so hilarious they made him a famous comedian and that man’s name was Fatty Beltbuckle.

Maybe it would just be easier to become famous myself. I could work my way up through show business and then, when my fame could rise no higher, I’d announce I was getting a sex change. That’d cause a real shock and get me on both Oprah and Stern alike. Then I’d murder myself.

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