A lot of people have asked me recently, “Hey Miles, what’s your plan for New Year’s?” and I tell them, “I’m taking ecstasy,” which is a lie. My real New Year’s plan is to find girls who think the apocalypse is coming and then have sex with them. In fact, I’ve already posted a Craigslist ad and it reads as such:

Hey there,

Look, we all know the world is going to end on New Year’s so let’s go ahead and make this happen. I want to have sex and you don’t want to die alone. I get it, and you will too when I’m giving it to you good and wholesomely as the world expires. I am an expert lover and more than capable of holding you tight as the ground falls away beneath us and the sky burns above us.

The apocalypse doesn’t have to be all bad. Sure the earth may shatter like a Christmas Ornament but that means we can raw dog it. Plus we can film the whole thing and not worry about the video getting on the internet (or at least if it does somehow end up there during the 24 hours of our relationship then it won’t be a long lasting embarrassment).

You may be thinking, “I want to spend the apocalypse with my family,” but can they fuck you like I can? I hope not. This isn’t a time to dwell on the past, it’s a time to celebrate the present, especially since there’s no future to speak of. So get in line ladies because I am going to fuck your brains out before the zombies eat them.

Please include pics if you want a reply thx

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