On March 24th former Vice-President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant.

March 24th, 2012
I got my new heart today. When the doctor showed it to me I snatched it out of his hand. They had to get four orderlies to pin my arms down before they got it back. Then the doctor explained that I would not have to eat this heart in order to gain its power. So much for doing things the old fashioned way.

March 25th, 2012
My new heart is working already. Blood is constantly rushing towards my extremities and then back again. Also I can feel that other half of my face. Today, during a handshake, Steve from Exxon Mobil commented on my warm, unclammy palms, so I crushed his hand. Then I felt a little bad for Steve, so I had one of my secret service guys caddy for him the rest of the afternoon.

March 26th, 2012
I never noticed how peaceful the outdoors could be, especially if you’re not firing a gun into them. I’ve been taking hikes! I’ve noticed something else that’s strange – birds no longer fall silent when I approach, which does make it a lot easier to shoot them, but sometimes I don’t even want to. Weird.

March 27th, 2012
Called W. for the first time in a long time. Initially, I was just going to make fun of him but then we ended up talking for awhile and then I stopped pretending to be Karl and told him it was actually me, Cheney. He almost hung up the phone but I explained everything I’d been through lately with my heart and how I wanted to find God. He paused for a moment and said, “Really?” and after that I just couldn’t stop laughing.

March 28th, 2012
Who ever knew children could be so much fun? I accidentally hit one with my car the other day after I told my driver, “Don’t slow down.” The kid’s name is Casey and ever since Lynne made me go down to visit him in the hospital we’ve been spending a lot of time together. At first it wasn’t easy. The Doctor who treated me from before wasn’t keen on leaving me with alone with a child I’d supposedly hospitalized. But Casey is great! I like the way his casts make it look like he’s constantly giving the thumbs up. It feels affirming. To keep him company, I’ve been telling him my old war stories, which mostly just consist of me reading long lists of names to operatives over the phone. But still, I think it cheers him up to know he’s safer. Also, I pet my first dog.

March 29th, 2012
Something is going on – I’ve been apologizing a lot lately, and not just for regular stuff but pretty much for everything I’ve ever done. The other day I apologized to Casey for shooting Harry Whittington in the face and then I told a nurse I was sorry for making Harry apologize to me for shooting him. At that point, I had to rush out of the room before I apologized for something that could get me in trouble, like the time I made that terrorist eat all those tennis balls. I don’t like what’s happening at all. It’s like my life is becoming some kind of scary version of a Jim Carey movie. Remembering the thing with the tennis balls did make me chuckle a bit though.

March 29th – Second Entry, 2012
Tonight I came to and found myself writing a check to Casey’s parents for his medical bills. I’ve never been superstitious but the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I wonder, “What kind of person would donate his heart?” and I don’t like the answer.

March 30th, 2012
Well, the Doctors had some news for me today. They came in while I was signing Casey’s cast for probably the dozenth time. They told me their most recent tests showed that my body was rejecting the heart or that possibly it was the other way around. Either way, they told me they were going to have to reinstall my old artificial heart. Part of me is afraid – what will happen to these warm, new feelings? Then I heard the doctor make a Darth Vader crack under his breath, I almost choked him but the irony of it stopped me.

March 31st, 2012
Yesterday they reinstalled my old plastic and titanium ticker. Afterwards, I started to whisper my thanks to the doctor and when he leaned in to hear what I was saying I bit the hell out of his ear and wrapped my fingers around his throat. Cheney’s back.

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