Co-written with Alison Stevenson
Sure we’d all like a voice in government but influencing one of the two major candidates can cost a fortune. But wait, off brand third party candidates can be bought at a fraction of the cost and there’s so many more to choose from. That’s why we bring you a list of some of this year’s most exciting independent candidates:
The Peace Freedom Party – Roseanne Barr
Roseanne was after all the fictional head of a household on television for a lot of years, so why not head of the country? Back in 2008 she planned on running through a party she invented called the “Green Tea Party” and her slogan for that was, “Let’s take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.”
Libertarian Candidate – Gary Johnson
Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson is running for President as a Libertarian. Libertarian’s, also known as the Dr. Pepper of politics, offer a unique blend of right and left with their philosophy of low taxes, legal marijuana, guns for everyone and mandatory prostitution. Gary Johnson is quite the iconoclast himself, having climbed Mt. Everest, and he sports a striking resemblance to an old boot.
Socialist Party USA – Stewart Alexander
Stewart Alexander, aka the other black guy running for president, is the candidate for the Socialist Party. His campaign slogan, “Stewart Cares” is a great contrast to all those candidates who campaign on a platform, “I couldn’t give a shit.” Also, just in case the term socialist wasn’t enough to doom his chances, the front page of his website reads “Welcome Comrades!”
Green Party – Dr. Jill Stein
With little to no political experience, Dr. Stein really has to scrape the sides of the yogurt cup to fill out her resume. Her website reads, “She is the founder and past co-chair of a local recycling committee appointed by the Lexington Board of Selectmen,” which is slightly more prestigious on a resume than “cashier at The Gap.” Remember: when it comes to the Green Party you’re not throwing your vote away, you’re composting it.
Prohibition Party – Jack Fellure
The Constitution Party website did not provide a picture of Jack Feullure (right) by himself. Fellure sent a King James Bible to the Federal Election Commission as a copy of his platform. He also held the party convention at a Holiday Inn Express, just in case their boozeless meetup wasn’t sad enough. Fellure plans to fix this country by getting rid of, “Atheists, Marxists, liberals, queers, liars, draft dodgers, flag burners, dope addicts, sex perverts and anti-Christians.” Jack Fellure does not smile.