By Bert

There is a growing movement of people who oppose genetically enhanced foods. People who want to climb down your throat just because you bought your corn at a regular supermarket. “Wait, that’s crazy. Why would anyone be against enhanced foods?” you might ask.  You see, many activists, moms and other jerks on the internet say that these foods are a threat to other food species. Well that’s the free market for you and if mother nature didn’t want it that way then she wouldn’t make her children fight each other to the death.

A hysterical liberal overreacts to food science.

If you browse around online or happen to invite over a colleague and his unemployed wife who just happens to have made an identity out of “food justice” then you might happen to hear the term “Frankenfoods.” Frankenfood refers to the old fable of Frankenstein, the scientist who made an entire person out of spare parts. Then his creation which was stronger, more resilient and likely taller killed Dr. Frankenstein and at some point along the way also built himself a new wife. So the moral of the story is: out with the old and in with the new. If nature hadn’t forced progress upon the world we’d still have trilobites and dinosaurs roaming the earth but instead we have human beings walking around with dead people’s cartilage inside their knees and I don’t hear any complaints about that!

Here are just a few of the current benefits of genetically modified foods:

    1. They’re very aggressive and will begin taking over any land to which they’re adjacent.
    2. They’re patentable so when they take over someone else’s property you can sue them for unlicensed use of your corn.
    3. They’re completely pesticide resistant which means you can pretty much douse them in enough poison to kill every grasshopper on the planet.

But why should we stop there and why just plants? Right now bees make honey for us which is great since no one wants to make it themselves. But what if they made other things for us like milk or guns? Then we could probably start to solve this illegal immigration problem, if you know what I mean.

You have to weigh the costs and benefits. What are the benefits of genetically enhanced foods? Well they’re just like regular plants but better. Now, what are the costs? You agitate environmentalists which, is really also kind of a benefit. In the end, I just hope they can find a cure for male pattern baldness and grow it right into my coffee.

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