Sometimes, life feels a lot like that movie Big with Tom Hanks. That’s the one where he’s a thirteen year old boy who makes a wish to be grown up. I made the same sort of wish when I was his age. Today, I woke up and it had come true.

It seems like just yesterday I was thirteen and masturbating furiously at the drop of a hat. Back then, I couldn’t wait to have all the advantages of adulthood but still continue to play video games, collect action figures and read fantasy novels like that cool dude Jason that rented a room in my mom’s house.

So now my life is really like Big. I have the body of a man but the activities and colorful shirts of an adolescent boy. Activities like indoor skateboarding, watching cartoons and furiously masturbating whenever anyone drops a hat… and I mean anyone. Plus, if a woman gets too emotionally close, I just tell her I’m actually a little boy, which is a classic line from the beloved film!

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