Clever Things to Say » thursday special

Recent Entries from Dick Cheney’s Diary (originally printed in Savage Henry Magazine)

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 18:30:43 +0000

On March 24th former Vice-President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant.

March 24th, 2012
I got my new heart today. When the doctor showed it to me I snatched it out of his hand. They had to get four orderlies to pin my arms down before they got it back. Then the doctor explained that I would not have to eat this heart in order to gain its power. So much for doing things the old fashioned way.

March 25th, 2012
My new heart is working already. Blood is constantly rushing towards my extremities and then back again. Also I can feel that other half of my face. Today, during a handshake, Steve from Exxon Mobil commented on my warm, unclammy palms, so I crushed his hand. Then I felt a little bad for Steve, so I had one of my secret service guys caddy for him the rest of the afternoon.

March 26th, 2012
I never noticed how peaceful the outdoors could be, especially if you’re not firing a gun into them. I’ve been taking hikes! I’ve noticed something else that’s strange – birds no longer fall silent when I approach, which does make it a lot easier to shoot them, but sometimes I don’t even want to. Weird.

March 27th, 2012
Called W. for the first time in a long time. Initially, I was just going to make fun of him but then we ended up talking for awhile and then I stopped pretending to be Karl and told him it was actually me, Cheney. He almost hung up the phone but I explained everything I’d been through lately with my heart and how I wanted to find God. He paused for a moment and said, “Really?” and after that I just couldn’t stop laughing.

March 28th, 2012
Who ever knew children could be so much fun? I accidentally hit one with my car the other day after I told my driver, “Don’t slow down.” The kid’s name is Casey and ever since Lynne made me go down to visit him in the hospital we’ve been spending a lot of time together. At first it wasn’t easy. The Doctor who treated me from before wasn’t keen on leaving me with alone with a child I’d supposedly hospitalized. But Casey is great! I like the way his casts make it look like he’s constantly giving the thumbs up. It feels affirming. To keep him company, I’ve been telling him my old war stories, which mostly just consist of me reading long lists of names to operatives over the phone. But still, I think it cheers him up to know he’s safer. Also, I pet my first dog.

March 29th, 2012
Something is going on – I’ve been apologizing a lot lately, and not just for regular stuff but pretty much for everything I’ve ever done. The other day I apologized to Casey for shooting Harry Whittington in the face and then I told a nurse I was sorry for making Harry apologize to me for shooting him. At that point, I had to rush out of the room before I apologized for something that could get me in trouble, like the time I made that terrorist eat all those tennis balls. I don’t like what’s happening at all. It’s like my life is becoming some kind of scary version of a Jim Carey movie. Remembering the thing with the tennis balls did make me chuckle a bit though.

March 29th – Second Entry, 2012
Tonight I came to and found myself writing a check to Casey’s parents for his medical bills. I’ve never been superstitious but the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I wonder, “What kind of person would donate his heart?” and I don’t like the answer.

March 30th, 2012
Well, the Doctors had some news for me today. They came in while I was signing Casey’s cast for probably the dozenth time. They told me their most recent tests showed that my body was rejecting the heart or that possibly it was the other way around. Either way, they told me they were going to have to reinstall my old artificial heart. Part of me is afraid – what will happen to these warm, new feelings? Then I heard the doctor make a Darth Vader crack under his breath, I almost choked him but the irony of it stopped me.

March 31st, 2012
Yesterday they reinstalled my old plastic and titanium ticker. Afterwards, I started to whisper my thanks to the doctor and when he leaned in to hear what I was saying I bit the hell out of his ear and wrapped my fingers around his throat. Cheney’s back.

There’s a monster under your bed

admin — Thu, 10 May 2012 20:23:02 +0000

Joke Prototypes

admin — Thu, 03 May 2012 18:50:42 +0000

Two men approach heaven but are delayed in entering. One of them goes to hell.

A travelling salesman comes to a farmhouse and talks to the farmer. He then is then told either that he is not allowed to have sex with the Farmer’s daughters or that he must. He does.

Why did the inanimate object do something anthropomorphic? Because no one objected!

How many people of a certain classification does it take to screw in a light bulb? More than one.

A woman does an unexpected thing and the bartender tells a patron, “I’d like to see her try that with a curtain.”

Video Time!

admin — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 18:50:13 +0000

Video: LAUGH AT: S.F. RESUME SUCCESS SECRETS

Consumer Friendly Cartoons

Samy — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 20:15:24 +0000

St. Patrick’s Day Traditions Around The Country

admin — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:23:01 +0000

New York, New York: at midnight, the subway cars are filled with partially digested green beer.

South Boston, Massachusetts: anyone not wearing green is stabbed.

Cambridge, Massachusetts: anyone not wearing green loses tenure.

Fargo, North Dakota: Native Americans are forced to dress up as leprechauns.

San Francisco, California: Mailmen in the Sunset District are required to take a drink at each stop until they pass out and children steal their mail.

San Diego, California: Everyone eats a burrito made with potatoes.

Seattle, WA: Seattlites drink heavily while staring silently into their beers.

Austin, TX: Everyone tells everyone else they are a quarter Irish.

Literary Event: The Final Make-Out

admin — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 17:46:09 +0000

The March Monthly Rumpus will be our last event at The Make-Out Room. Come out and help us give them a rocking farewell on March 12th, 7pm, at 3225 22nd Street, San Francisco.

Featuring authors Alvin Orloff, Stacy Bierlein, and Mark Sundeen! Comedy by Miles K! Music by Charles Sommer! Plus a special performance by Hot Guys and Baby Animals!

Also chances to win great prizes in our monthly porn raffle!

$10, cheap! You can’t afford not to go!

Hosted by Rumpus editor Isaac Fitzgerald.

Click here to purchase your tickets today!

Dirty Haiku

admin — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 22:59:31 +0000

I’m doing a dirty Haiku competition tonight so I recycled some one liners

They say no means no
That’s either dating advice
or Spanish lessons

I’m a veteran
war on drugs, and like all vets
I still get flashbacks

Awkward, not peeing
Standing at the urinal
because I’m erect

She had a pierced tongue
In a formaldehyde jar
best blowjob ever

Go into sex shop
grab handcuffs, take to counter
ask for kids sizes

Can’t fuck this girl from
American Apparel
her socks reach her neck

My Sitcom Pilot

admin — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 22:47:30 +0000

Originally published as “My Rejected Sitcom” in the Heuristic Squelch

Nate is a young man whose life is tragically cut short. Now he’s in heaven hanging out with all his internal organs as they go on a series of crazy, afterlife adventures. Hang on, because this season is gonna be a heartfelt attack on the funny bone.

INT. APARTMENT IN HEAVEN – DAY

Nate’s internal organs lounge on the couch and stools lining the kitchen counter. NATE swings open the door, and everyone looks his way.

NATE
How’s everyone doing?

EVERYONE
Hey Nate!

NATE
So you guys wanna know what we’re gonna do today? We’re going to go find all my dead pets. Well, except that parrot I had when I was listening to a lot of experimental Jazz, we’ll leave him in animal purgatory.

STOMACH
Put your pets inside me Nate.

NATE
No way Stomach, that’s what you said about my car keys and Intestine never let me hear the end of that one.

Intestine trumpets like an elephant. LUNGS flap over to lung cage and begin eating some lung seed.

BRAIN
(Sidles over to Nate and puts spinal column over his shoulder)
Nate, I don’t mean to alarm you but these people are clearly insane. We have to dispose of them.

NATE
Oh Brain! That’s the same crazy talk that wound us up here in the first place.

Everyone bursts out laughing, APPENDIX actually bursts. Nate falls to the ground kicking his legs. He opens his mouth to scream but only blood comes out.

Travel Journal: Los Angeles

admin — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 06:18:14 +0000

I’m in Los Angeles gathering impressions. As far as this city is concerned LA is the center of everything, principally because they are not aware of anything else. Almost everything we care about happens here, the shows we watch are made here, the people that make them live here and their emotional breakdowns explode here. LA is the capital of the acting industry which ironically doesn’t produce much acting, but produces actors. Actors that drive cars, and goddamn, there are a lot cars.

There are points in the day that if you lined up all the cars on the road end to end you would have exactly what was happening. Twenty-one hours a week are spent in one’s vehicle and at least half those hours involve science fiction style city planning in which you envision a future where cars can phase through each other or better yet picture a public transit system used by everyone but yourself. The central problem of Los Angeles is that while it may contain everything there is a finite amount of everything left. Simultaneously, there is also too much of it, and the need to reduce certain parts of the everything are grave. Not only could you paper the walls of every Hollywood pizzeria with headshots you could also put them in the bathrooms as toilet tissue.

But LA has its own sort of fierce, toothsome charisma. Beautiful people abound. There is a beauty, which though it may only be skin deep, is as deep as you’re going to get around here. They are like sculptures, come almost to life, walking around, unlocking expensive cars and filling them up with iced coffee, shopping bags and conditioned air. It makes you want to start looking a little better yourself. Specifically, better than everyone else, which is not a realistic goal and therefore very LA. The best advice anyone has given me so far is, “buy a moisturizer that works well with your skin.”