I want to make a movie that costs no money to see but a lot of money to leave.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless it’s being fed to you by another hand.
I used to clerk at a Blockbuster. Customers would yell at me and I’d tell them, “I work here. Nobody hates this place more than I do.”
The appeal of prostitution is the notion of an honest, straightforward conversation that leads to sex.
“There are two types of people in this world: people who manage content and content.” -Guy Anthony
I sort of enjoy watching capitalism collapse, sort of like a rat on a sinking ship who hates the ship.
They’re shutting down schools and building more prisons but at least they recognize you can’t do one without the other.
Funny prank: go to the dentist and tell him your teeth have been bothering you. When he asks which ones, pull out a sandwich bag that holds all your bloody teeth.
I’m twenty six now but I’ll have turned twenty four by the time I move to Hollywood.
I don’t want to sound racist but every time I see a scary minority in a dark alley… I mug him.
Wednesday is called “Humpday” because it’s the middle of the work week, when you really feel like you’re getting fucked.
I saw a bumper sticker that said, “it is what it is,” which comes out to the same thing as not having that sticker.
Did you know that many states refused to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr day until the year 2000? Despite claims to the contrary, that is because these states are racist.
I updated an old joke to make it edgy: Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 raped 9.
I was at a restaurant in Hollywood and there wasn’t a soul in the place, despite the people.
My friend asked me, “what are you going to do when you turn eighty?” so I said, “what do you mean when?”
“Take life one day at a time,” sounds like the affirmation of a serial killer.