Someday I gotta get this “No Adults Allowed!” sticker off my bedroom door.
Hey it sucks that Google made it impossible to throw away someone’s contact info.
You ever sit down, turn on the internet and ask yourself, “Okay, what will make me feel better?”
My life has lost all meaning since my dad stopped yelling at me.
I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.
Reality TV shows are like nature documentaries about human beings.
If we’re going to send a man all the way to Mars let’s make sure we’re getting rid of a real dick.
3D printers can make just about anything, but they can’t make love.
If conservatives initiated a War on Poverty it would probably involve real guns.
If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.
Maybe Lance Armstrong just sold that other testicle to the Devil.
I just want my kids to have every advantage over every other child.
I’m a former, former drug addict.
Chris Dorner reminds me of Shrek.
I forgot about some leftovers and now there’s a Starbucks growing out of them.
My grandfather played trumpet in the military band and then, later on in life, he died.
I think the term “race” is kind of racist.
There are more dogs than children in San Francisco because yuppies prefer animal slave-companions to the trials of real offspring.
The only thing that can stop violence is guns.
What’s the hardest full time job to lose? Being a mom.