Hey it sucks that Google made it impossible to throw away someone’s contact info.
You ever sit down, turn on the internet and ask yourself, “Okay, what will make me feel better?”
My life has lost all meaning since my dad stopped yelling at me.
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I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.
Reality TV shows are like nature documentaries about human beings.
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Everyone loves practical jokes and some people like rape jokes but no one likes a practical, rape joke.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
If we’re going to send a man all the way to Mars let’s make sure we’re getting rid of a real dick.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
3D printers can make just about anything, but they can’t make love.
Monday, February 25, 2013
If conservatives initiated a War on Poverty it would probably involve real guns.
Friday, February 22, 2013
If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Maybe Lance Armstrong just sold that other testicle to the Devil.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
At least if you’re on the top bunk in prison you can finally say there’s a monster under your bed.
Monday, February 18, 2013
I just want my kids to have every advantage over every other child.
Friday, February 15, 2013
I’m a former, former drug addict.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Chris Dorner reminds me of Shrek.
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Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I forgot about some leftovers and now there’s a Starbucks growing out of them.
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Monday, February 11, 2013
My grandfather played trumpet in the military band and then, later on in life, he died.
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I think the term “race” is kind of racist.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
There are more dogs than children in San Francisco because yuppies prefer animal slave-companions to the trials of real offspring.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The only thing that can stop violence is guns.
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