My smartphone has a cracked screen for the same reason I wear torn jeans, because broken objects are cooler than nice ones.
The message of both political parties isn’t about what they will do but, “We’ll keep you safe from the other guys.”
No one knows you like I wish I didn’t.
I’ve been following this whole pope thing religiously.
Someday I gotta get this “No Adults Allowed!” sticker off my bedroom door.
Hey it sucks that Google made it impossible to throw away someone’s contact info.
You ever sit down, turn on the internet and ask yourself, “Okay, what will make me feel better?”
My life has lost all meaning since my dad stopped yelling at me.
I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.
Reality TV shows are like nature documentaries about human beings.
I was on Steve Hernandez and Scott Luhr’s excellent podcast “Respect the Danger of Knives” talking about my sketchy past and my favorite jams. It was a great time.
If we’re going to send a man all the way to Mars let’s make sure we’re getting rid of a real dick.
3D printers can make just about anything, but they can’t make love.
If conservatives initiated a War on Poverty it would probably involve real guns.
If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.
If you are an Academy Award nominee this year, I would like to offer you first my congratulations, and second, some words of consolation. Chances are you are going to lose.
Maybe Lance Armstrong just sold that other testicle to the Devil.
I just want my kids to have every advantage over every other child.
I’m a former, former drug addict.