I’ve been watching Ken Burns’ new Roosevelt documentary and I thought I’d share some of the fascinating things I’ve learned. If you look at pictures of young Theodore Roosevelt, you see how lean and fine his features were. As he aged his head grew physically larger, as befits a great leader. Many other parts of […]
Sometimes, life feels a lot like that movie Big with Tom Hanks. That’s the one where he’s a thirteen year old boy who makes a wish to be grown up. I made the same sort of wish when I was his age. Today, I woke up and it had come true. It seems like just […]
I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.
Air freshener is to bread freshener as bold faced lie is to make believe object.
Please look inside your heart for my sunglasses.
If I were a cartoonist during the 1908 election I would hand in a blank piece of paper and say, “It is too small to draw Howard Taft.”
I called up the library and when they picked up I said, “HI IS THIS THE LIBRARY?” and on the other end she hissed, “SHHHH. This is a library.”
I just converted all my jpegs to Islam.
I’ve become so proficient with time saving techniques I now do nothing.
My friend is so British he thinks blood sausage is a type of food.
Someone asked if I would fuck a life sized tater tot. Does that just mean a regular sized tater tot?
Did you know that when you major in English in Mexico it’s called Spanish?
I appeared on the Too Soon show with Natasha Muse and played a character named Max Schpitzer. Thanks to Kelly McCarron for playing the wife. I come in at 31:00 An Interview With Mucus Man
Tonight I’m going to put twenty dollars under my pillow in hopes that the tooth fairy will leave me some teeth.
I’m tall for a man, even taller for a woman and especially tall for a dog walking upright.
I have an idea that’s worth its weight in gold.
Friday? More like extra-Thursday.
Me: Hello pants Pants: Hello Miles Me: Hello Socks Socks: Hello. Are you ready to fuck us with your foot? Me: Boy that’s creepy. Shoes: You don’t have to hear them moan. Leather Jacket: Moooo. Mirror: Well hello handsome. Me: You probably say that to everyone. Mirror: Well hello handsome. Me: Hello fireplace. Fireplace: feeeeeeeed […]
The next time someone says, “we need to think outside the box,” ask them, “why? what’s outside the box?”
They say that whites will become a minority by 2050. If we’re going to become a minority I just hope we turn into Chinese people. They really have their shit together.