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Tag Archives: absurd

I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.

Air freshener is to bread freshener as bold faced lie is to make believe object.

Please look inside your heart for my sunglasses.

If I were a cartoonist during the 1908 election I would hand in a blank piece of paper and say, “It is too small to draw Howard Taft.”

I called up the library and when they picked up I said, “HI IS THIS THE LIBRARY?” and on the other end she hissed, “SHHHH. This is a library.”

I just converted all my jpegs to Islam.

I’ve become so proficient with time saving techniques I now do nothing.

My friend is so British he thinks blood sausage is a type of food.

Someone asked if I would fuck a life sized tater tot. Does that just mean a regular sized tater tot?

Did you know that when you major in English in Mexico it’s called Spanish?

Mucus Man Interview

I appeared on the Too Soon show with Natasha Muse and played a character named Max Schpitzer. Thanks to Kelly McCarron for playing the wife. I come in at 31:00 An Interview With Mucus Man

Tonight I’m going to put twenty dollars under my pillow in hopes that the tooth fairy will leave me some teeth.

I’m tall for a man, even taller for a woman and especially tall for a dog walking upright.

I have an idea that’s worth its weight in gold.

Friday? More like extra-Thursday.

conversations with inanimate objects

Me: Hello pants Pants: Hello Miles Me: Hello Socks Socks: Hello. Are you ready to fuck us with your foot? Me: Boy that’s creepy. Shoes: You don’t have to hear them moan. Leather Jacket: Moooo. Mirror: Well hello handsome. Me: You probably say that to everyone. Mirror: Well hello handsome. Me: Hello fireplace. Fireplace: feeeeeeeed [...]

The next time someone says, “we need to think outside the box,” ask them, “why? what’s outside the box?”

They say that whites will become a minority by 2050. If we’re going to become a minority I just hope we turn into Chinese people. They really have their shit together.

Bear 1: Have you seen the latest line of bear traps? Bear 2: Ughh. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one.

I’m really glad toothpicks don’t serve the same function as ice picks.