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Tag Archives: absurd

My friend is so British he thinks blood sausage is a type of food.

Someone asked if I would fuck a life sized tater tot. Does that just mean a regular sized tater tot?  

Did you know that when you major in English in Mexico it’s called Spanish?

Mucus Man Interview

I appeared on the Too Soon show with Natasha Muse and played a character named Max Schpitzer. Thanks to Kelly McCarron for playing the wife. I come in at 31:00 An Interview With Mucus Man

Tonight I’m going to put twenty dollars under my pillow in hopes that the tooth fairy will leave me some teeth.

I’m tall for a man, even taller for a woman and especially tall for a dog walking upright.

I have an idea that’s worth its weight in gold.

Friday? More like extra-Thursday.

conversations with inanimate objects

Me: Hello pants Pants: Hello Miles Me: Hello Socks Socks: Hello. Are you ready to fuck us with your foot? Me: Boy that’s creepy. Shoes: You don’t have to hear them moan. Leather Jacket: Moooo. Mirror: Well hello handsome. Me: You probably say that to everyone. Mirror: Well hello handsome. Me: Hello fireplace. Fireplace: feeeeeeeed [...]

The next time someone says, “we need to think outside the box,” ask them, “why? what’s outside the box?”

They say that whites will become a minority by 2050. If we’re going to become a minority I just hope we turn into Chinese people. They really have their shit together.

Bear 1: Have you seen the latest line of bear traps? Bear 2: Ughh. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one.

I’m really glad toothpicks don’t serve the same function as ice picks.

Lesser Known Facts: Texas

I’m about to take a trip and one of the places I will visit is Texas. So I researched these facts in preparation: Texas is known as the “Buckle of the Bible Belt.” It is the US state closest to the Sun. Texas is the largest contiguous state meaning even the state itself has an [...]

You can find yourself lost but you can’t lose yourself found.

I’m so skinny my skeleton weighs more than I do.

Friends

Friendship is a strange thing. As I see it, life’s a competition to obtain the most prizes which means that anyone else should be thwarted at every available opportunity.

We’re always told to face our fears. But what if your greatest fear is whatever is behind you?

I’ve invented an anti-gravity bong. It sucks the life out of you.

Fingers are the hands of your hands which are the fingers of your arms.