Monday, February 18, 2013
I just want my kids to have every advantage over every other child.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
There are more dogs than children in San Francisco because yuppies prefer animal slave-companions to the trials of real offspring.
What’s the hardest full time job to lose? Being a mom.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Kids, if your parents let you eat Reese’s Puffs cereal it’s because they don’t actually care about you.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
People who would do anything for their kids are monsters.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I’m writing a movie that should really appeal to young, professional couples living in urban areas called, “My Child the Dog.”
Monday, November 12, 2012
If you and your friends are ever crashing a children’s birthday party and they ask what you’re doing there just say, “We know Dave.”
Is that movie the parent trap just about having children?
Sure my grandfather isn’t computer literate but then again my kids probably won’t be regular literate.
The Baby Boomers ruined everything, including us.
Friday, November 25, 2011
When I die I want to be shot out of a cannon… and into a children’s birthday party.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
My parents put me up for adoption this week.
I showed my nephew a haunted house. He asked me, “what’s it haunted by?” so I told him, “meth addicts.”
My mother told me I was lucky to be born in a first world country, Conservative parents tell their kids that they deserved it.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Our nation’s history is unfit for children.
It’s a tender moment when a mother sits down with her pubescent daughter and explains that her body is changing, and her breasts will be getting bigger… but maybe not big enough.
If a 19th century schoolmaster was given a TV show it’d be called, “Kids are forbidden from saying the darndest things.”
When I have kids I’m going to raise them in a strictly religious household… just to fuck with them.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Dogs Children The lump in my right breast