When I die I want to be shot out of a cannon… and into a children’s birthday party.
I showed my nephew a haunted house. He asked me, “what’s it haunted by?” so I told him, “meth addicts.”
My mother told me I was lucky to be born in a first world country, Conservative parents tell their kids that they deserved it.
It’s a tender moment when a mother sits down with her pubescent daughter and explains that her body is changing, and her breasts will be getting bigger… but maybe not big enough.
If a 19th century schoolmaster was given a TV show it’d be called, “Kids are forbidden from saying the darndest things.”
When I have kids I’m going to raise them in a strictly religious household… just to fuck with them.
You only have to tell him once. He is able to open his mouth wide enough to fit a basketball. You don’t have to take him to Disneyland to see his face light up.
Video games are teaching children that violence is OK, which really takes the burden off military recruiters.
We spend childhood trying to figure out how to live and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out our childhood.
Cowboys have big belt buckles so as to better beat their wives and children.
As kids we hope that every Christmas gift is a toy and not an article of clothing. As we grow older, toys get phased out and replaced with socks, scarves and sweaters. I still open my gifts hoping for toys and the resulting disappointment: that’s adulthood.