I just want my kids to have every advantage over every other child.
There are more dogs than children in San Francisco because yuppies prefer animal slave-companions to the trials of real offspring.
What’s the hardest full time job to lose? Being a mom.
People who would do anything for their kids are monsters.
I’m writing a movie that should really appeal to young, professional couples living in urban areas called, “My Child the Dog.”
If you and your friends are ever crashing a children’s birthday party and they ask what you’re doing there just say, “We know Dave.”
Is that movie the parent trap just about having children?
Sure my grandfather isn’t computer literate but then again my kids probably won’t be regular literate.
The Baby Boomers ruined everything, including us.
When I die I want to be shot out of a cannon… and into a children’s birthday party.
My parents put me up for adoption this week.
I showed my nephew a haunted house. He asked me, “what’s it haunted by?” so I told him, “meth addicts.”
My mother told me I was lucky to be born in a first world country, Conservative parents tell their kids that they deserved it.
Our nation’s history is unfit for children.
It’s a tender moment when a mother sits down with her pubescent daughter and explains that her body is changing, and her breasts will be getting bigger… but maybe not big enough.
If a 19th century schoolmaster was given a TV show it’d be called, “Kids are forbidden from saying the darndest things.”
When I have kids I’m going to raise them in a strictly religious household… just to fuck with them.
Dogs Children The lump in my right breast
You only have to tell him once. He is able to open his mouth wide enough to fit a basketball. You don’t have to take him to Disneyland to see his face light up.