If life is so precious then how come everything?
Banks have a public relations problem. I think it’s because their relationship to the public is fucking them in the ass.
A woman told me, “to say I love you for your virtues discredits me for loving you in spite of your defects.”
Affluence and comfort are consolation prizes for reaching old age.
Currently, my housemate and fellow comedian Josh Orr is serving as a camp counselor at a Quaker camp in the Appalachian wilderness. He wrote me a very sweet letter which I have reproduced below as well as the reply I sent him shortly after receiving it. Enjoy. Dear ______* Family, I have the flavor of […]
There’s a reason therapists charge by the hour instead of using performance based pay, they’d die of starvation.
The international symbol for marriage is a white flag.
A boy who plays with dolls is looked at with suspicion. A girl who plays with mud is not looked at.
Some people treat life like’s it a race. The faster they get to the finish line the better.
I have faith in the democratic process for lack of good evidence that it exists.
When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it’s not a trap door.
Television should be asking itself, “what’s the best way to raise a child?”
If America were to build anything on the moon it would probably be a prison.
I laid down my grudge to bear. I now use it to grind my axe.
When you enter into long term commitment they call it, “getting serious” because that’s when it ceases to be any fun whatsoever.
I think the appeal of a blank slate is not the fresh possibilities but the fact that you’re no longer staring at your failures.