I recently had the opportunity to see The Shining on the big screen and let me tell you, what a cinematic achievement! Though, some part of me, could not help but think, “What if I had been in this movie?” If I had, it would have been pretty different.1 Now, first things first, when the […]
I’ve been watching Ken Burns’ new Roosevelt documentary and I thought I’d share some of the fascinating things I’ve learned. If you look at pictures of young Theodore Roosevelt, you see how lean and fine his features were. As he aged his head grew physically larger, as befits a great leader. Many other parts of […]
Hitler was a motivational speaker.
I’ve done pretty much everything I wanted to do with my life and now it’s horrible.
The best way to protect your child from a school shooting is to make sure he’s the shooter.
In the future, the sound of a heart rate monitor flatlining will be replaced with AOL’s “Goodbye” tone.
I hope the oligarchs taking over this country have my best interests at heart.
My life is an ongoing brain injury.
I mixed up my Christmas cards with my death threats. So look out co-workers: you’ll be getting Christmas cards.
“No more Mr. Nice Guy,” is what I’m going to yell out right before I shoot myself in the face.
At the end of your internship with MTV you are led in to a room where another intern is bound to a chair. You are told, “Congratulations. You are at the last stage of your internship. You have outmaneuvered your enemies and pleased your masters. Now your final task is to strangle Ben, your friend and closest […]
There’s a lot of talk about starting families but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
Sings Your Neighborhood is Being Gentrified by the Undead
This serial killer was drilling a hole into my head and I was all like, “BOR-ing!”
Let’s get puppies- you know, like, “GET ‘EM!”
Ain’t no one gonna eat my face. Because I’m gonna cut it off and hide it somewhere.
I often want a machine gun for the most superficial reasons.
I practice clock warfare which is killing your enemies via the passage of time. It’s a slow, torturous death.