Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless it’s being fed to you by another hand.
I sort of enjoy watching capitalism collapse, sort of like a rat on a sinking ship who hates the ship.
They’re shutting down schools and building more prisons but at least they recognize you can’t do one without the other.
“Take life one day at a time,” sounds like the affirmation of a serial killer.
As far as those condoms made from sheep intestine, I’m alright with bestiality but NOT necrophilia, or was it the other way around?
Children tend to get kidnapped for ransom over spouses because criminals don’t want to gamble on the strength of marriages.
When I die I want to be shot out of a cannon… and into a children’s birthday party.
Fifty years from now schoolchildren will be made bored by the story of how protesters were chain gunned down on Wall Street.
I have a homeopathic remedy for depression. You put a gun in your mouth and then you pull the trigger.
I figured out how to flip over a car with your bare hands. Get the car going really fast, put your hands on the wheel and snap it to the left.
I couldn’t be a cop because you have to beat people up and I’m not physically cut out for that. I’d just have to shoot everyone instead.
The other day I went fishing and I threw back everything I caught, sure it was spear fishing…
Some people pretend to remember a time when men were cavemen, women were rape victims and it was better or something.
Don’t you hate it when you come into work and someone else already shot up the place?
-Chess Master Plots Brilliant Attack On Wife
-Google To Bid On Hulu In Attempt To Acquire All Meaningless, Made Up Words
-Fun Police Become Real Police
I’m not stalking this girl I just follow her around town and then back to her house. You know, just to make sure there aren’t any weirdos back there waiting for her.
-Conclusion Of Angry Birds Leaves Man Feeling Nothing
-New Restaurant Concept Humiliates Staff In Fun, Exciting Way
-Toothless Old Man Goes To Town On Birthday Cake