Clever Things to Say » dark humor

admin — Wed, 02 May 2012 19:23:25 +0000

I often want a machine gun for the most superficial reasons.

admin — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:05:55 +0000

If carbon monoxide is the silent killer how come I always have to hear about that dead family two houses over?

admin — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:18:32 +0000

I practice clock warfare which is killing your enemies via the passage of time. It’s a slow, torturous death.

admin — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 20:18:46 +0000

I don’t want to just live life in the fast lane, I want to die there too. And hopefully take some other people in the fast lane with me.

My Sitcom Pilot

admin — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 22:47:30 +0000

Originally published as “My Rejected Sitcom” in the Heuristic Squelch

Nate is a young man whose life is tragically cut short. Now he’s in heaven hanging out with all his internal organs as they go on a series of crazy, afterlife adventures. Hang on, because this season is gonna be a heartfelt attack on the funny bone.

INT. APARTMENT IN HEAVEN – DAY

Nate’s internal organs lounge on the couch and stools lining the kitchen counter. NATE swings open the door, and everyone looks his way.

NATE
How’s everyone doing?

EVERYONE
Hey Nate!

NATE
So you guys wanna know what we’re gonna do today? We’re going to go find all my dead pets. Well, except that parrot I had when I was listening to a lot of experimental Jazz, we’ll leave him in animal purgatory.

STOMACH
Put your pets inside me Nate.

NATE
No way Stomach, that’s what you said about my car keys and Intestine never let me hear the end of that one.

Intestine trumpets like an elephant. LUNGS flap over to lung cage and begin eating some lung seed.

BRAIN
(Sidles over to Nate and puts spinal column over his shoulder)
Nate, I don’t mean to alarm you but these people are clearly insane. We have to dispose of them.

NATE
Oh Brain! That’s the same crazy talk that wound us up here in the first place.

Everyone bursts out laughing, APPENDIX actually bursts. Nate falls to the ground kicking his legs. He opens his mouth to scream but only blood comes out.

admin — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:42:12 +0000

Valentine’s Day is a corporate ploy to sell more handguns to single people.

admin — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:49:09 +0000

People say I’m not an animal lover but I once saved a cat from starvation by feeding it the fish… and some mice… and the bird… and then eventually some cat food.

admin — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 22:15:41 +0000

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless it’s being fed to you by another hand.

admin — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 19:52:50 +0000

I sort of enjoy watching capitalism collapse, sort of like a rat on a sinking ship who hates the ship.

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:43:28 +0000

They’re shutting down schools and building more prisons but at least they recognize you can’t do one without the other.