The other day I went fishing and I threw back everything I caught, sure it was spear fishing…
Some people pretend to remember a time when men were cavemen, women were rape victims and it was better or something.
Don’t you hate it when you come into work and someone else already shot up the place?
-Chess Master Plots Brilliant Attack On Wife
-Google To Bid On Hulu In Attempt To Acquire All Meaningless, Made Up Words
-Fun Police Become Real Police
I’ll stab your back; you stab mine.
I’m not stalking this girl I just follow her around town and then back to her house. You know, just to make sure there aren’t any weirdos back there waiting for her.
-Conclusion Of Angry Birds Leaves Man Feeling Nothing
-New Restaurant Concept Humiliates Staff In Fun, Exciting Way
-Toothless Old Man Goes To Town On Birthday Cake
Announcer: Welcome to Antiques Road Show. This week we bring you to the Burning Waste, home of the longest continual funeral pyre. Will we discover treasures from before the shattering of the world? I hope so. A stinking barbarian clad in leather stands across from an appraiser. They are both standing outside in a barren [...]
I know a guy who suffers from steroid induced rage. Once, I saw him throw his wife up a flight of stairs.
My friend took acid and thought he could fly so he jumped off a cliff. Actually, we were on acid too so we helped out and pushed him.
“Lassie in trouble,” barked Lassie on her death bed.
What do you call a man who’s too drunk to drive? A cab. What do you call a lady leaving your hotel room? Also a cab. What do you call a surly DMV worker? A bitch. Two men are in the barbershop when their friend phones from the tavern and tells them that he’s coming [...]
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
If I could breath underwater the first thing I’d do is fake my own death. Right after murdering this one guy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
People think the guillotine was invented to cut off people’s heads but actually it was meant to cut off people’s bodies.
When I have kids I’m going to raise them in a strictly religious household… just to fuck with them.
We need to scour the earth of humanity so that animals can get back to murdering each other in peace.
Monday, December 20, 2010
It feels like half of my fantasies of success are simply fantasies of revenge.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The electric chair is a quintessentially American means of execution. It’s death by appliance.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
-New scanners can and will measure your cock for coming robot war
-Wal-mart greeter wishes death upon shoppers, “a happy thanksgiving”
-”Lebanese Armenians riot in Beirut Over Erdogan visit” claims inscrutable headline