If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.
I’m a former, former drug addict.
First your doing coke in order to get sexual favors and then a few years later you’re doing sexual favors for coke!
If they’re called “bath salts” how come everyone who takes them looks so dirty?
The holidays are hard on alcoholics but shopaholics have it bad too.
I was so much smarter before I did drugs. I was so smart I could solve equations… with my mind.
Every time I do Yoga I smoke crack afterwards because I figure, “Hey, I earned this.”
My friend is such a stoner he constantly forgets to smoke weed.
This past Monday Ameen took me and Elizabeth on a trip to the beach. We each ingested a couple hits of LSD because we’re the type of people who don’t visit nature unless there’s mind altering drugs involved (in the name of moderation I should mention that I rarely visit nature). I brought my iPad […]
I got fired from a pharmacy for eating the merchandise.
I wrote a joke about the short duration of cocaine, in fact the joke itself is a one-liner.
My friend took acid and thought he could fly so he jumped off a cliff. Actually, we were on acid too so we helped out and pushed him.
I heard that it was fun to take ambien and then stay awake and masturbate. I didn’t enjoy it at all; my hand fell asleep.
I tried speed dating but I liked the speed more than the dating.
Drugs aren’t user friendly.
In attempting to prolong my youth I am rapidly aging myself.
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. -Karen
My body seems to be growing old without me.
I’ve invented an anti-gravity bong. It sucks the life out of you.
April twentieth is a day when people watch their plans go up in smoke and are happier for it.