Man Slowly Comes Around To Infomercial Juicer

Unleashed Ancient Evil Proves No Match For Contemporary Evil

Artificial Intelligence Entity Becomes Self-Conscious

Man From Future Warns Not To Do Anything Differently In Order To Ensure His Own Existence

Programmer Programs Program

Stem Cell Researchers Stumble Upon New Jamba Juice Boost

Human Beings Declared 60% Juice

Dead Fly Summation Of Half Hour Effort

White Collar Criminal Laughing All The Way To, From, Inside Own Bank

Day Shift Reports: Night Shift A Bunch Of Weirdoes

New American Apparel Socks End At Neck

Retirement Home Merges With Funeral Home

Other Guy In Waiting Room Wants To Know What You Think It Is

Man Too Cowardly For Suicide Orders Mini-Scone

Television Hands Over Child Rearing To Internet

Organ Donor Saves Life Of Horrible Man

“I Give Lucky Charms Three Fruit Loops” By Cereal Reviewer Hans Hutmacher

New Beard Promises To Change Everything

Man’s New Lease On Life Six Months

Surgeon General Orders Doctors To Attack

Cop Claims Gun Went Off Accidentally In Suspect’s Mouth

Girlfriend’s Telecommuter Job Compromising Boyfriend’s Jerkoff Time

Everyone Fat

Reunited Couple To Retag Photos

Chilean government condemns future acts of homosexuality by trapped miners

Apple has done it again. Reviews from technology critics and consumers alike confirm the superiority of the iPhone 4 to all earlier iPhones. In every way the product has either improved or not gotten worse. In doing so, Apple has yet again succeeded in providing a product which can be respectfully presented to consumers. “Our new iPhone has many features that previous versions did not and never will so only those who buy the iPhone 4 will be able to experience these amazing new features,” said lead developer Alex Kilmartin.

Many people, who were impressed and astounded by the iPhone 3, now feel stupid and foolish as they are faced with the incontrovertible fact that it is inferior, “I thought the iPhone 3 was an amazing technical marvel when it came out. If I had only known the wonders of the iPhone 4 I would never have been taken in by its the homely charms.” Others thought they had learned their lesson after iPhone 2 but found themselves yet again delighted by the the wondrous new machine. “By giving consumers an affordable device that uses technology not widespread enough to have been tarnished by overexposure we have created the impression of an object originating from our own future,” claims Apple marketing guru Derrick Gleason.

However some critics have been eager to point out that no matter how great the iPod 4 may seem now it is sure to pale in comparison to the iPod 5.

Guinness record set by fattest man ‘alive’

Mark Grattler of Bend, Oregon has been confirmed as the heaviest male technically considered alive. At 1,342 pounds Grattler fills the king size bed, to which he has been confined for the last four years, like a breathing corpse. Less a man than a machine for converting food into excrement, Grattler hopes to someday be free of his own flesh.

Due to the many folds and stale pockets of flesh throughout his body, Mark suffers from a variety of skin disorders which leave him in condition of semi-decay and cause an oppressive odor to fill the room if he is not cleaned regularly like a human fish tank. Since he has not moved from his bed in so long Grattler can see the contours of his ceiling in perfect detail even with his eyes closed. While he would very much like to visit the outside world Mark is so massive it would be necessary to cut a hole in his house in order to extract him from the premises.

“I’m thinking of trying the Zone diet. I heard that worked for Manuel Uribe,” said the enormous chunk of humanity.

Wimbledon tournament gentlemanly display of good sportsmanship

All in attendance concur that this year’s Wimbeldon was an honorable effort on the part of both players.