Whole Foods is the only grocery store where I go window shopping.
100% of flossers have teeth. How’s that for proven success?
An eating contest typically consists in offering people unlimited hot dogs and seeing how many they can eat but, given the current state of American obesity, it might be more interesting to see how few.
Every time I do Yoga I smoke crack afterwards because I figure, “Hey, I earned this.”
I’m learning this new yoga position where you just smile really uncomfortably while something unpleasant happens.
I eat health food; therefore I am health food.
I joined a gym. Not because I want to work out but just so I can whip people with towels.
I’m opening a restaurant for people with eating disorders. The only difference is that the toilets have handle bars.
If people keep getting fatter we’re going to end up with one way sidewalks.
I just found out my beard has cancer which means the rest of me is going to fall off.
They say obesity is the new smoking but I’ll bet they have a hard time banning it from restaurants.
Now that I’ve stopped drinking I don’t have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.
A hypochondriac is someone who’s actual illness is the only one she isn’t treating.
I now consume only organic food which means I’ve stopped eating steel bars and plastic tubing.
A psychiatrist can more reliably validate parking rather than self esteem.
Smoking is saying to your lungs, “I wish you came in black.”