If I die in this Hurricane just remember me as funnier than all of you.
Last night I told a heckler to leave the show and she told me, “I’ve been coming here long before you,” and I said, “This place has been open 3 weeks.”
This is what I really look like
I remember when my dad got a second by installing a trailer in the backyard of our house.
Ellen Degeneres stunt double: My tall lanky frame combined with the fact that Ellen has very few dangerous action scenes make me an ideal candidate for this position. Impersonal Shopper: I don’t know if I’d be cut out to buy things on behalf of a particular person but I could certainly go around buying stuff […]
A woman told me, “to say I love you for your virtues discredits me for loving you in spite of your defects.”
Job applications always ask if you have any special skills. If I had special skills I wouldn’t be filling out a job application.
My personality is better suited to anti-social media.
Whenever I attempt to take on a new attitude and personality my old personality calls me a pathetic little bitch.
I’m so skinny my skeleton weighs more than I do.
Letting go of my anger would be like letting go of the rungs on a ladder.
“The nervous system” is a tragically accurate description.
I saw myself represented as a dot on a graph and not unflatteringly.
I crave attention but I’d prefer not to call attention to that fact.
I finally met a woman who truly understands me. She has since left as a result.
I’m not a reckless driver, just an incompetent one.
Whenever someone says “this works out best for everyone” you can bet it works out best for everyone but you.
I’m not perfect. There are things about me that could be more perfect.
I always look forward to Summer even when it’s already here.