I just got plastic surgery to look more like that one celebrity who ruined her face with plastic surgery.
Some say our economy is broken. I say we buy a new one.
I just love sarcasm.
I’ve been selling old newspapers by calling them “vintage.”
In attempting to prolong my youth I am rapidly aging myself.
Elite universities like diversity, just not diversity in GPA’s or standardized test scores.
They say obesity is the new smoking but I’ll bet they have a hard time banning it from restaurants.
When we say someone is out of her mind the problem is actually that she’s spending too much time inside it.
“Men and women sure are different, huh guys? Different but equal. That is why they need separate bathrooms.”
Love can cause you to overlook anything about a person. Sometimes everything.
I crave attention but I’d prefer not to call attention to that fact.
When it comes to money I have nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing.
Now even celebrities wear ironic clothing. I never thought I’d see the day where the mighty wake and dress themselves with sarcasm.
An ironic t-shirt typically has a double meaning. In addition to whatever the shirt says it usually means you’re an ass.
Property is theft and if you agree but think I stole the notion then I suggest you reconsider.
I may hate the person I become when drinking but in all fairness I don’t think he cares for me either.
A hypochondriac is someone who’s actual illness is the only one she isn’t treating.
The ‘counter’ in counter culture now refers to the counter at a clothing store.
The funniest things in life are the things that happened last night on TV.
No news is Fox News.