Skip to content

Tag Archives: jokes

I never put gas in my Gremlin after midnight.

8 Modern Day Omens

Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.

You ever feel sad and lonely and then Netflix recommends, “Friends?”

I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.

If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.

At least if you’re on the top bunk in prison you can finally say there’s a monster under your bed.

I’m a former, former drug addict.

I can say “retarded” because my girlfriend is retarded.

The only thing I achieved today was climax.

I’m going to the fabric store to try out some new material.

It’s pretty ironic that feminists judge bikini contests, and harshly too.

Today I had to call each and every one of my ex-girlfriends and tell them that I have OCD.

“Raise your hand if you think the ceiling fan is too low.”

I shouldn’t have tried to make an ice cream sandwich using real bread.

Last night I drunk dialed my mom and told her that I love her but that we can never be together.

For Christmas, my uncle got us all gag gifts. He’s really into BDSM.

“Rise and shine,” is the most depressing thing a shoeshiner can hear on a Saturday morning.

I spent all day in the tub. Next time I’m adding water.

Finally got around to registering as a sex offender.

I’m having a going away dinner with my roommates. It’s really sweet even though they have no idea they’re about to be evicted.