I never put gas in my Gremlin after midnight.
Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.
You ever feel sad and lonely and then Netflix recommends, “Friends?”
I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.
Friday, February 22, 2013
If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
At least if you’re on the top bunk in prison you can finally say there’s a monster under your bed.
Friday, February 15, 2013
I’m a former, former drug addict.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
I can say “retarded” because my girlfriend is retarded.
The only thing I achieved today was climax.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I’m going to the fabric store to try out some new material.
It’s pretty ironic that feminists judge bikini contests, and harshly too.
Today I had to call each and every one of my ex-girlfriends and tell them that I have OCD.
“Raise your hand if you think the ceiling fan is too low.”
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
I shouldn’t have tried to make an ice cream sandwich using real bread.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Last night I drunk dialed my mom and told her that I love her but that we can never be together.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
For Christmas, my uncle got us all gag gifts. He’s really into BDSM.
Monday, December 17, 2012
“Rise and shine,” is the most depressing thing a shoeshiner can hear on a Saturday morning.
I spent all day in the tub. Next time I’m adding water.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Finally got around to registering as a sex offender.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I’m having a going away dinner with my roommates. It’s really sweet even though they have no idea they’re about to be evicted.