I know where I want to be buried when I die. Under newspapers in my apartment.
I’ve been getting acupuncture treatments for my fear of needles.
Everest is an ironic name for the world’s longest hiking trail.
Hipsters hated the term before everyone else started to.
How many people of a certain classification does it take to screw in a light bulb? More than one.
Video: LAUGH AT: S.F. RESUME SUCCESS SECRETS
Oh shit I fucked my pants.
If carbon monoxide is the silent killer how come I always have to hear about that dead family two houses over?
I want to go to a brothel for my birthday. Usually, I don’t do anything out of the ordinary so this year will be the same.
I’ve heard girls complain that all they can get out of us these days is casual sex whereas my complaint is that I can’t get any casual sex.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My linguist friend smokes a ton of pot. He’s a real Rosetta stoner.
Dicky Cheney was given a new heart today. Doctors had to first explain to him, “you don’t have to eat this heart in order to gain its power.”
Broadway is producing a play about Larry Bird and Magic Johnson…
New York, New York: at midnight, the subway cars are filled with partially digested green beer.
I don’t want to just live life in the fast lane, I want to die there too. And hopefully take some other people in the fast lane with me.
Awkward, not peeing
Standing at the urinal
because I’m erect
Friday, February 17, 2012
I love a three day weekend almost as much as I love a four day work week.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I want to make a movie that costs no money to see but a lot of money to leave.
I’m twenty six now but I’ll have turned twenty four by the time I move to Hollywood.