I never put gas in my Gremlin after midnight.
Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.
You ever feel sad and lonely and then Netflix recommends, “Friends?”
I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.
If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.
I’m a former, former drug addict.
The only thing I achieved today was climax.
I’m going to the fabric store to try out some new material.
Today I had to call each and every one of my ex-girlfriends and tell them that I have OCD.
“Raise your hand if you think the ceiling fan is too low.”
I shouldn’t have tried to make an ice cream sandwich using real bread.
Last night I drunk dialed my mom and told her that I love her but that we can never be together.
For Christmas, my uncle got us all gag gifts. He’s really into BDSM.
“Rise and shine,” is the most depressing thing a shoeshiner can hear on a Saturday morning.
I spent all day in the tub. Next time I’m adding water.
I’m having a going away dinner with my roommates. It’s really sweet even though they have no idea they’re about to be evicted.
If you and your friends are ever crashing a children’s birthday party and they ask what you’re doing there just say, “We know Dave.”
I have to work on my garden tomorrow. No homeowner.
The South: talk about sore losers.
Co-written with Jesse Fernandez, Jesse Elias and Pete Scobel Instead of wasting water on cleaning dishes, just buy new ones. Beat the heat with Gatorade Frost, available in Glacier Freeze, Alpine Snow, and Whitewater Splash. Burn down all the greenhouses to stop them from producing their gas Switch to menthol cigarettes. When smoking crack out […]