Do you know why I think Obama will be re-elected? Because people are afraid of change.
As a Halloween prank, let’s go on Amazon.com and buy apples and razorblades. That way when people buy Apples it will say, “People who bought this also bought razorblades.”
Nostalgia was much better before the internet.
Why don’t we have doublewide coffins for dead married people?
My friend was just diagnosed with Web MD. I don’t know what that is but it sounds bad.
When you vote for the Green Party you don’t throw your vote away, you compost it.
I wrote an environmentalist slogan to win over white racists: Keep Antartica White.
The only flaw of the new iPhone: you can’t use it to take a picture of your new iPhone.
Do you want to know why I want to be a rapper? Because rappers delight.
I now close all my e-mails to my landlord with, “I love you.”
I’ve got a vase that belongs in a museum and I know that’s true because that’s where I took it from.
Getting stoned and watching Animal Planet really makes me appreciate what a beautiful world I “live” in.
Tomorrow is my Saturday.
Based on the number of people in grad school right now it’s clear those, “Stay in school!” PSA’s worked far too well.
You know it’s time to cut your bangs when you go to open the living room curtains and then you realize you tore them off weeks ago.
If they’re called “bath salts” how come everyone who takes them looks so dirty?
Whole Foods: where art and humanities majors learn to serve computer programmers.
Spoiler alert: everyone dies in the end.
I took my car into the mechanic and he said he was going to rotate the tires. Don’t they do that already?