Clever Things to Say

There’s nothing like a good week in Kansas except maybe a bad one.

I’ve wasted so much time but it never seems to be enough.

I’m not perfect. There are things about me that could be more perfect.

The funniest things in life are the things that happened last night on TV.

A friend of mine said, “Show me some love.” I said, “If I showed you love you wouldn’t know what the fuck you were looking at.”

It used to be that people weeded their gardens. Now they garden their weed.

Sometimes, the only way you’re willing to spend time in another man’s shoes is if you’re dancing on his grave.