Fingers are the hands of your hands which are the fingers of your arms.
There’s nothing like a good week in Kansas except maybe a bad one.
Growing up my mother used to tell me “you’re one of a million.”
I’ve wasted so much time but it never seems to be enough.
In attempting to keep up with the Jones’ I accidentally ran over the Smith’s.
I’m not perfect. There are things about me that could be more perfect.
Going to work is like holding yourself for ransom.
The funniest things in life are the things that happened last night on TV.
Don’t let the fact that they’re people fool you into treating them as such.
A friend of mine said, “Show me some love.” I said, “If I showed you love you wouldn’t know what the fuck you were looking at.”
Watching the average guy try and pick up on a woman in a bar is like watching someone try and nail jell-o to a ceramic plate.
It used to be that people weeded their gardens. Now they garden their weed.
There’s a sucker born again every minute.
Sometimes, the only way you’re willing to spend time in another man’s shoes is if you’re dancing on his grave.
It’s often easiest to bury the hatchet along with the other party.