Man Slowly Comes Around To Infomercial Juicer

Unleashed Ancient Evil Proves No Match For Contemporary Evil

Artificial Intelligence Entity Becomes Self-Conscious

Man From Future Warns Not To Do Anything Differently In Order To Ensure His Own Existence

Programmer Programs Program

Stem Cell Researchers Stumble Upon New Jamba Juice Boost

Human Beings Declared 60% Juice

Dead Fly Summation Of Half Hour Effort

White Collar Criminal Laughing All The Way To, From, Inside Own Bank

Day Shift Reports: Night Shift A Bunch Of Weirdoes

New American Apparel Socks End At Neck

Retirement Home Merges With Funeral Home

Other Guy In Waiting Room Wants To Know What You Think It Is

Man Too Cowardly For Suicide Orders Mini-Scone

Television Hands Over Child Rearing To Internet

Organ Donor Saves Life Of Horrible Man

“I Give Lucky Charms Three Fruit Loops” By Cereal Reviewer Hans Hutmacher

New Beard Promises To Change Everything

Man’s New Lease On Life Six Months

Surgeon General Orders Doctors To Attack

Cop Claims Gun Went Off Accidentally In Suspect’s Mouth

Girlfriend’s Telecommuter Job Compromising Boyfriend’s Jerkoff Time

Everyone Fat

Reunited Couple To Retag Photos

STOCKTON, CA—Sitting down in a truck stop bathroom, Angel Ramirez was dismayed and surprised to find male genitalia coming out from a hole. “It was truly awful,” claimed Ramirez. A self employed truck driver and father of four, Ramirez sat awkwardly as the mostly erect sex organ moved slowly out from the jagged opening in the wall. “I was reading a magazine and didn’t notice anyone else come in to the bathroom,” he said.

The penis, which entered the glory hole through the adjacent stall, eventually stopped when its attached pelvis made contact wit the unyielding vertical structure that constituted the stall border. Once all the way through (including testicles) an expectant cough sounded from the stall next to Ramirez’s. “Hey you got the wrong idea,” exclaimed a panicky Ramirez, at which point the penis withdrew as slowly as it entered.

Beautiful, charming girl provides escapist fantasy for everyone but herself

Portland, OR—Casual surveys and informal canvassing indicate that everyone is in love with Bess English, the striking and intelligent young woman who works at the coffee shop around the corner. “Bess is so sweet. If I ever took her out on a date I’d look up something really cool & unique for us to do. Like my ex-girlfriend [Kelly Spurlock] used to do for me.” Patrons of Blue Bean Coffee agree that English, a recent college graduate, is fun to talk to, laughs at your jokes, and is disarmingly modest given her evident beauty.

When preparing espresso drinks, after the morning rush, English frequently enjoys conversation with customers as they stand near the pickup counter. “She’s the kind of girl you imagine kissing. Not just having sex with,” remarks Justin Vick. Blue Bean regulars often report a sense of well being and optimism after conversing with the lovely young barista. “I get the impression she might like nature hikes,” reports Sarah Bailey, another Bess admirer, “I could really see myself getting into that too, with the right person.”

English herself was not reached for comment.

100 percent of Wisconsin children disapprove of teachers union

MADISON, WI—A recent poll finds that all Wisconsin children surveyed highly disagree with the statement, “Teacher’s unions are in the right.” The surly and mutinous charges of the embattled public employees expressed hostility towards teachers calling them, “a bunch of bossy know-it-alls.” Many children went further, calling for the beheading of teachers followed by the barbecuing of their heads and that their bodies be subsequently, “flushed down the potty.”

Wal-mart greeter wishes death upon shoppers, “a happy thanksgiving”
Employees of the national chain Wal-Mart were forced to labor during a holiday as uncaring shoppers purchased the things they forgot to get the day before.

“Lebanese Armenians riot in Beirut Over Erdogan visit” claims inscrutable headline
A news item with four murky references confused and bewildered readers as it attempted to inform them of violence taking place between foreign ethnic groups in an area Americans could not identify on a globe if their lives depended on it.

Some have questioned whether the ad service might compromise Wikileak’s objectivity just as other media outlets are influenced by corporate sponsorship. Spokesperson Julian Assange has rebuffed the complaints saying, “Wikileaks is committed to providing transparency in government and the views of Bill Mathers, who’s selling a gorgeous, hardly used hoover vaccuum, will have no influence on our efforts.”

Wiccans teach children true meaning of Halloween
Many American practitioners of Wicca are concerned that with all the excitement over costumes and candy their children are missing out on the greater meaning of Halloween or Samhain as it is known in the neopagan cult. “This festival is rooted in the concepts of death and ancestry and many people seem to have forgotten that. Today on the internet I saw a Mark Zuckerberg mask,” said High Priestess Tracy Malgrove.

• Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder Suicide Pact

• Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner

• Wrecking Ball Operator Wins Big in Slamming of Abandoned Pog Factory

Some were originally printed in the Heuristic Squelch