I’m not laughing at you I’m laughing against you.
We’re always told to face our fears. But what if your greatest fear is whatever is behind you?
I never take the easy way out, which is how I got horribly burned in that fire.
When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it’s not a trap door.
He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”
They say, “you’re only young once” but that’s not true. Some people are never young.
One man’s trash is another man’s baby.
If these walls could talk I’d have to kill them too.
If someone uses fire to fight fire she will likely end up with just a bigger conflagration. But at least she can say to herself, “I’d like to think my fire won.”
In attempting to keep up with the Jones’ I accidentally ran over the Smith’s.
They say, “don’t shit where you eat.” But they also say, “don’t eat where you sleep.” However, that doesn’t rule out sleeping where you shit. Which was how I got caught napping in my boss’s car.
No news is Fox News.
It’ll be a cold day in Los Angeles before I move back.
Dead men tell no tales, but old men really pick up the slack in that department.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man dies but once but far more horribly.
They say even a broken clock is right twice a day but not if that clock is on military time.
A penny saved puts you far above the average American’s credit to debt ration.
There’s a sucker born again every minute.
He was a man of few words but he used them all in excess.
When people say “the more the merrier” they are talking about drugs, right?