Sometimes, life feels a lot like that movie Big with Tom Hanks. That’s the one where he’s a thirteen year old boy who makes a wish to be grown up. I made the same sort of wish when I was his age. Today, I woke up and it had come true. It seems like just […]
The only thing I achieved today was climax.
More like sexily transmitted disease.
It’s always embarrassing when you have one of those moments where you realize, “Wait a second, this doesn’t taste like my penis…”
Masturbation and sex feel the same as long as you wear a condom during both.
Dude: You gonna get lucky tonight? Me: I make my own luck. Dude: What does that mean? Me: I masturbate.
Oh shit I fucked my pants.
“After sex I always feel like a whole new man.” “Really, even after you just had that first one?”
Why are there so many scientific studies on the benefits of ingesting semen but none on the medicinal properties of vaginal ejaculate?
Awkward, not peeing
Standing at the urinal
because I’m erect
The appeal of prostitution is the notion of an honest, straightforward conversation that leads to sex.
Wednesday is called “Humpday” because it’s the middle of the work week, when you really feel like you’re getting fucked.
People keep asking me, “Hey Miles, what’s your plan for New Year’s?” and I tell them, “I’m taking ecstasy,” which is a lie.
As far as those condoms made from sheep intestine, I’m alright with bestiality but NOT necrophilia, or was it the other way around?
Young people are terrible at sex which is why it takes them so long.
Body bags are like dead people condoms.
I have paid for sex before just not with money and never in advance.
I haven’t had much luck with women but I’ve had a few well executed schemes.
Did you know that in lesbian softball there are only three bases?