North of the border they call us, “Canada Mexico.”
Apple has just released a turnover.
It’s always embarrassing when you have one of those moments where you realize, “Wait a second, this doesn’t taste like my penis…”
Too exhausted to decorate the house for Thanksgiving? Turn that jack-o-lantern around and give it a pilgram hat.
Written with Alison Stevenson
If I were a Samurai I’d always be cracking up the other Samurai, and then I’d kill them.
Try walking into a room with a boombox and gun and yelling out, “Everybody get down!”
Do you want to know why I want to be a rapper? Because rappers delight.
I now close all my e-mails to my landlord with, “I love you.”
How many people of a certain classification does it take to screw in a light bulb? More than one.
I’ve become so proficient with time saving techniques I now do nothing.
My linguist friend smokes a ton of pot. He’s a real Rosetta stoner.
How come you never see water and ships in the same bottle?
“I darned my socks. “Yeah, fuck those socks.”
“What’s a laughing matter?” “Nitrous oxide, among other things.”
Someone asked if I would fuck a life sized tater tot. Does that just mean a regular sized tater tot?
Since becoming an adult it sometimes seems as though life has lost all its flavor crystals.
I took a personality test on nationalgeographic.com and it turns out I’m a box of earwigs.
I’m not just some Merman I am a MerMiles.