Wednesday, February 1, 2012
“What’s a laughing matter?” “Nitrous oxide, among other things.”
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Someone asked if I would fuck a life sized tater tot. Does that just mean a regular sized tater tot?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Since becoming an adult it sometimes seems as though life has lost all its flavor crystals.
I took a personality test on nationalgeographic.com and it turns out I’m a box of earwigs.
I’m not just some Merman I am a MerMiles.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I walked into Peet’s Coffee and asked for a refill. They complained, “that cup is from Starbucks.” So I told them, “WELL THEN I GUESS I”LL JUST TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.”
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I’m worried I’m not using my hammock enough.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
If you have to plug a treadmill in shouldn’t it be sending electricity back into the wall?
Did you know that when you major in English in Mexico it’s called Spanish?
I called into a dark, scary cave and the words came echoing back. I guess even my voice was afraid to go in.
My neighborhood is so bad the streets are negatively numbered.
If you’re stuck in a hostage situation make sure you brought enough snacks for everyone.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? A: One provided you rotate the tootsie pop continuously along your tongue.
They should have atom smashing at the x-games.
I’ll bet very few lumberjacks use Axe body spray, my guess is that they’re more partial to Brut.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Raisin Bran could be improved by adding two scoops of Fruit Loops.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Just like anyone else I put on my track pants one half at a time.
When I was 18 I bought a playboy and a gun, I then took them both out into the yard and shot my load into the playboy.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
If you were to take a video of me solving a Rubik’s cube and watch it in reverse it would be a video of me pulling all the stickers off and putting them back on in random order.