I walked into Peet’s Coffee and asked for a refill. They complained, “that cup is from Starbucks.” So I told them, “WELL THEN I GUESS I”LL JUST TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.”
I’m worried I’m not using my hammock enough.
If you have to plug a treadmill in shouldn’t it be sending electricity back into the wall?
Did you know that when you major in English in Mexico it’s called Spanish?
I called into a dark, scary cave and the words came echoing back. I guess even my voice was afraid to go in.
My neighborhood is so bad the streets are negatively numbered.
If you’re stuck in a hostage situation make sure you brought enough snacks for everyone.
Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? A: One provided you rotate the tootsie pop continuously along your tongue.
They should have atom smashing at the x-games.
I’ll bet very few lumberjacks use Axe body spray, my guess is that they’re more partial to Brut.
Raisin Bran could be improved by adding two scoops of Fruit Loops.
Just like anyone else I put on my track pants one half at a time.
When I was 18 I bought a playboy and a gun, I then took them both out into the yard and shot my load into the playboy.
If you were to take a video of me solving a Rubik’s cube and watch it in reverse it would be a video of me pulling all the stickers off and putting them back on in random order.
I’m jealous of urinals because they get all the cake they can handle.
I got out some herbicide for my neighbor. Yeah, Herb’s gonna get it.
What did the witch say upon returning to her gingerbread house? “Home sweet home.”
A mosquito lands on my arm so I say, “can I offer you a drink?”
Hi there. Thanks for your interest in our cooperative household. We are looking for a new member of our semi-functional experiment in alternative living since our former housemate, Jessica, has decided to pursue new opportunities “anywhere but here.” Due to diffused responsibility and general apathy no one has done a chore in over a month. […]