In case you missed Everything Jamboree, here's a picture of me getting ready for our sketch "Eyelid Circumcision." Photo courtesy of Shawn Robbins

Too Soon Show

What do you call a lady leaving your hotel room?
Also a cab.

What do you call a surly DMV worker?
A bitch.

Two men are in the barbershop when their friend phones from the tavern and tells them that he’s coming by. They realize that he’s in no a state to drive and attempt to discourage him. He insists that he is fine and hangs up the phone. Twenty minutes later someone runs in off the street and tells them that their friend has died in a car crash. The one man turns to the other and says, “talk about last call!”

What do you call a teenager on a skateboard also using his cell phone?
Roll call.

What do you call a man too stupid to publish your jokes?
Names.

The Alzheimer’s clinic cancelled Mr. Shmitt’s appointment. When he came in anyway the receptionist explained that they had left him a message and that he should have called back, “in fact,” she quipped, “I might describe this as a failure to re-call.”
“Well then you’re a cunt,” said Schmitt.

If you couldn’t catch a fish after a long afternoon on the lake how then would you call it?
Quits.

A man was hiding in the supply closet of the Reader’s Digest offices. From there he called the offices and asked to speak to the humor editor who had rejected yet another of his submissions. When the secretary claimed the editor was at lunch the man yelled out, “Ha. I’m watching from the supply closet and I can see that he’s clearly sitting in his office!”
To which the secretary replied, “Talk about a close call.”
“Actually,” he said, “I’d describe it as more of a collect call.”
“How is it collect?” she asked.
“Because I’mg going to collect your fucking heads and stuff them in to a Reader’s Digest tote bag.”

Mr. Schmitt is being booked at the local police station when they explain he gets one call. He tells them he’d like to reach the heads of Reader’s Digest. The officer asks, “The heads of Reader’s Digest. What is this?”
“A callback.”

Three people sit in a living room awaiting the return of their friend, Alex, from the other room

Monique: I’ll bet he’s going to tell us he’s proposing to Megan.

Greg: Maybe, he sure has been acting strange lately.

Chris: Maybe he’s gay.

Alexander comes out of the other room. He’s dressed in FUBU and is wearing Blackface. Everyone gasps.

Alex: Thanks for coming you guys.

Chris: Wow.

Alex: You are all my closest friends. Especially you Greg. I didn’t want to keep this from my homies anymore.

Greg: What, that you’re a racist?

Monique: Alex-

Alex: It’s Patrice now.

Monique: This is horrible, are you trying to be funny?

Alex: No! I’m not racist and this is no joke.

Chris: Not even a racist joke?

Alex: Guys, I’m not playin’, this is who I am. I’m trans racial.

Monique: What?

Alex: I’m a black man who was born into a white man’s body. Now I’m claiming my true identity… real talk.

Chris: I didn’t know that was a thing.

Alex: It is according to my internet support group. They said you guys might not understand, that you would be wack about it.

Monique: What is that in your pants?

Alex: It’s a prosthetic.

Chris: You bought a prosthetic penis to go over your real penis?

Alex: Actually I made it out of Salami, yo.

Greg: You are so out of line it’s ridiculous.

Alex: I’m dissapointed in you Greg. I thought you would understand.

Greg: Why, because I’m black?

Alex: Because we’re black.

Greg: Those are my missing clothes you’re wearing!

Alex: YOU IN MY HOUSE BITCH!

Greg jumps to his feet

Greg: Don’t you even!

Alex: You better get ready to die ni-

Alex hesitates at saying the word as Greg mad dawgs him.

Alex: Ni-, uh… N-word.

Greg: That’s what I thought. You ain’t a real nigguh. C’mon Monique. We’re leaving.

Monique: I’m sorry, but this thing is weird.

Monique and Gregory leave.

Chris: I still support you.

Alex: Thanks Chris, I appreciate that, even though you whitey.

Chris: Actually, I’m Cuban.

Alex: Ew.

1Things are good.

2Yes?

1Yes. There are many things and all of them are all good.

2That is great.

1Yes you are right and it is true. How are things for you?

2Very new. There is a thing I did not have before but now I do and it is good.

1Is it a talking thing?

2Yes. It talks all the time and it fucks as well.

1Is it fucking you?

2Very much. It fucks and talks and sometimes it does both at once.

1I understand. That is exciting.

2I agree that you understand.

1I had a talking fucking thing and then I did not and it was bad.

2That is bad. You had the thing and then you did not.

1Right! I hate it when I don’t have something that I did. It makes no sense. If I have a thing how can it go away? It is mine!

2It is confusing when you bring fuck into a thing, is my opinion

1&2[Laughter]

1Your opinion is very good. You have many of them and they are all very smart.

2They are like facts except it is impossible to check them.

a micro sketch

Dave is taking a stroll when he trips and falls down a lightless hole. He plummets and screams. Eventually he stops screaming because the whole thing is taking a really long time and he just sort of looks around. Then out of boredom he starts screaming again. Eventually he catches up with another falling guy, Tom.

Tom: Falling, huh?

Dave: I guess so.

Tom: Well good news.

Dave: What’s that?

Tom: There’s a bottom.

CAM
What a day huh Gus?

GUS
You’ve got to get one more tent up before nightfall but I can’t help you with it.

CAM
Why? You tired or something?

GUS
No I can’t help you with that tent, because it’s evil.

CAM
Evil huh?

GUS
That tent is haunted Cam.

CAM
I thought the haunted tent was over by the cotton candy machine.

GUS
No this one is really haunted. Terribly haunted.

CAM
What’s so haunted about it?

GUS
Well for one thing it looks small on the outside but when you walk in it’s really big.

CAM
Well that doesn’t sound so bad.

GUS
It’s good for storage.

CAM
But it’s evil?

GUS
You bet it is. That tent has taken the souls of many a circus worker. They say it strips off your skin and uses the leather to enlarge its interior.

CAM
Well then why even put it up? Why not just leave it in the bag?

GUS
What? No we can’t do that, we need it.

CAM
For what?

GUS
That’s where we store all the cracked fun house mirrors and broken animal cages and-

CAM
Well see that’s probably just making things worse.

GUS
Where else are we gonna put the elephant bones?

CAM
The tent’s already haunted and then you’re just encouraging things by putting all that creepy stuff inside.

GUS
Quit arguing and start nailing down the cursed stakes.

CAM
What’re you kidding? You put up the evil tent.

GUS
I can’t Cam. I escaped it once and now it wants me bad.

CAM
What happened?

GUS
I thought I saw my dead wife in a fun house mirror. It looked just like her except much thinner, I could see her mouthing “help me”, as I came closer her hand came out from the mirror but it became raw and bloody, like the skin had been stripped for leather. I turned and ran. I’d almost made it out before something grabbed me by the ankle. I tripped and clawed my way outside, but the tent still kept my shoe.

CAM
Was it a leather shoe?

GUS
My best pair. Now grab those poles and start putting ‘em in a circle.

CAM
Forget it, that story was really scary. Make someone else do it.

GUS
Look, them’s the rules. New guy puts up the haunted tent.

CAM
It’s already getting dark.

GUS
Here. Take this rickety lantern.

CAM
No way. I don’t want to get eaten alive and stretched into a door flap. Get the intern to do it.

GUS
Don’t be ridiculous, he’s hand feeding a sick tiger. Quit your belly aching, we need that tent up so we can get Coloso’s bed of nails out from the rain.

CAM
Alright but only if I get to punch a clown.

GUS
Fine. Oh and take that crucifix off your neck. You’ll just make it angry.

CAM
Why? What’s the haunted tent got against my cross?

GUS
Haunted tent is Jewish, now get to work.

So both of you are test subjects for our new truth serum?

A: Yes  B: No

You’re not both here for the serum experiment?

A: No B: Yes

Are you here for the experiment?

A: Yes
B: No, he’s not

Are you calling him a liar?

A: He is
B: I am

So you both agree?

A: Yes
B: We do. He’s a liar
A: No

Let’s start with your names?

A: My names is James Andrews
B: That’s my name, not his

Well what’s his name then?

B: Bellfurter Poppycock

I’ll just put you both down as James Andrews? So James-

A: Yes? B: Yes?

What would you say if I asked what time is it?

A: Ten thirty.
B: Three.

Why would you say three Mr. Andrews?

A: I wouldn’t.
B: Shut up. Because that’s what my watch says.

But your watch is off by four and a half hours.

B: Is it?
A: Yes.

No. Who here wants a pistachio?

A: He does.
B: I do actually.
A: He’s lying.

Andy: Mom, Dad, there’s something I’ve needed to tell you for a long time- jeez this is hard- and you may not like it but it’s something you’ve got to know… I’m gay, I’ve always been gay and now I want to-

Leo: What!? You fuckin faggot-

Helen: Leo!

Leo: NO. How dare you shame this family you goddamn degenerate you’re a disgrace, in fact, you’re out of this family-

Andy: Alright, nevermind I take it back!

Leo: Good, glad that’s settled then.