Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday is called “Humpday” because it’s the middle of the work week, when you really feel like you’re getting fucked.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I know a guy so homophobic he’s afraid to blow his own nose.
I’m not just some Merman I am a MerMiles.
Monday, September 26, 2011
A bicycle is an inconvenient way to exercise because after you’re done you’re somewhere else.
Monday, September 19, 2011
My roommate got angry because I was doing Yoga in the living room. I think it’s because I was doing Masturbating Human pose.
My neighborhood is so bad the streets are negatively numbered.
My friend is such a stoner he constantly forgets to smoke weed.
When I was 18 I bought a playboy and a gun, I then took them both out into the yard and shot my load into the playboy.
Monday, November 22, 2010
When I want to mess with someone I show up to a Craigslist casual encounter wearing a tuxedo.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I’m really glad toothpicks don’t serve the same function as ice picks.
I do like fly fishing but boy those things are hard to catch.
Now and Laters were a candy originally introduced in 1862 under the brand name “Henceforths”.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
My attorney has a heart precondition. You have to satisfy the condition of being his client in order for him to have a heart.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
There are worse things than canned food. Like canned laughter or fresh bodies.