I can pee lying down.
Someone put stapled paper through the shredder and it shredded the paper shredder.
“I darned my socks. “Yeah, fuck those socks.”
How good are professional athletes, really? Your average sports team loses half its games.
Whenever a friend and I go halves on a dinner bill I try to get the half on the right side of the decimal point.
I love a three day weekend almost as much as I love a four day work week.
Wednesday is called “Humpday” because it’s the middle of the work week, when you really feel like you’re getting fucked.
I know a guy so homophobic he’s afraid to blow his own nose.
I’m not just some Merman I am a MerMiles.
A bicycle is an inconvenient way to exercise because after you’re done you’re somewhere else.
My roommate got angry because I was doing Yoga in the living room. I think it’s because I was doing Masturbating Human pose.
My neighborhood is so bad the streets are negatively numbered.
My friend is such a stoner he constantly forgets to smoke weed.
When I was 18 I bought a playboy and a gun, I then took them both out into the yard and shot my load into the playboy.
When I want to mess with someone I show up to a Craigslist casual encounter wearing a tuxedo.
I’m really glad toothpicks don’t serve the same function as ice picks.
I do like fly fishing but boy those things are hard to catch.
Now and Laters were a candy originally introduced in 1862 under the brand name “Henceforths”.
My attorney has a heart precondition. You have to satisfy the condition of being his client in order for him to have a heart.
There are worse things than canned food. Like canned laughter or fresh bodies.