BRIDGEPORT, CT—A human gamete ejected from the reproductive organs of a sexually mature male achieved its biological purpose when it penetrated the jelly coated layer of the ovum and fused with the female haploid cell.  The sperm cell was the first to reach the shared destination of its brethren beating out millions of competitors. The human embryo, to be named Caitlin, will, conversely, struggle to ascertain her purpose and function in the ambiguous world she will be forced into nine months from now.

American Film Adaptation of “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” Features Gruesome Product Placement

LOS ANGELES, CA—The English language version of the best selling Steig Larson novel is already underway and will include scenes of disturbing violence with subtle corporate sponsorship. Moments of unsettling depravity, such as when a male character is sodomized with a Dr. Pepper bottle, depart in detail from Larson’s original, much to the outrage of hardcore fans. Another scene in which a characters hands are sliced off using a as of yet unnamed brand of cutlery is still in production.

Orange Pill Bottles Get Fun New Makeover, Blue

CONCORD, MA—Chess Grand Master William Everett devised a stunning counterattack to his wife’s recent assault on his dignity and manhood. “She’s had me pinned between offenses against my lack of work and my lack of sexual attention, probably realizing full well that harrowing me about one is forcing the other. The bitch just wants to see me on the run.” But since his discovery of the on demand television’s ‘Recently Viewed’ section, Everett has re-invigorated his strategy to crush his spouse. “She’s constantly making herself out to be some sort of overworked slave with her part time job at the nursery and driving the kid back and forth from school. Well would such a slave have time for three hours of reality television A DAY! I think not,” cackled the triumphant virtuoso.

Google Bids On Hulu, Yelp In Ongoing Campaign to Monopolize Meaningless, Made Up Words

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Google Inc, put out offers to both Yelp and Hulu in keeping with their continuous effort to own and license all nonsensical gibberish. “We already have copyright over terms such as Quipple, Tonk, Avik, Ropo, Ripi, Ripo, Poz, and Thwyer. These are just going to be unusually expensive additions to our collection,” explained David C. Drummod Senior Vice President in charge of Corporate Development.

Other News:
Fun Police Envy Real Police
Fun Police Become Real Police
Fun Police Fuck Man’s Face

AUSTIN, TX – After completing all levels of the hit mobile game Angry Birds, Colin Bryson felt no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction. “Basically I was just playing it when I didn’t want to work on other stuff or when I was riding public transit,” said the listless office worker. Lead designer Hal Asher explained, “Angry Birds uses a simple physics simulator to create a series of small mundane challenges. These challenges help players to disengage from their immediate surroundings.” Asher further commented, “so by the time you finish there’s no sense of arc or drama, you just realize you’ve basically been digging holes in the ground and filling them back up again. It’s best not to think about it too much and just go ahead get our amusing new sequel Angry Birds Rio.”

New Restaurant Concept Humiliates Staff In Fun, Exciting Way

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Jackie’s, the in your face new eating concept from Viacom Consumer Products, offers a fresh service experience for families seeking fun. At Jackie’s waitstaff must compete for the privilege of serving a table through singing, juggling and whatever it takes to win the honor. “Our idea here was to make the eater-tainment experience extra entertaining without additional cost to consumers,” said vice president in charge of marketing Don Eggers. “Working at Jackie’s is a blast and a half. No two blasts!” insisted Ashley Crest as she recovered from a hand stand performed for six high school seniors. Families can find the noisy, raucous pit located on Pier 39 in San Francisco CA.

Toothless Old Man Goes To Town On Birthday Cake

Soft, yielding morsel delights declawed maw

STOCKTON, CA—Sitting down in a truck stop bathroom, Angel Ramirez was dismayed and surprised to find male genitalia coming out from a hole. “It was truly awful,” claimed Ramirez. A self employed truck driver and father of four, Ramirez sat awkwardly as the mostly erect sex organ moved slowly out from the jagged opening in the wall. “I was reading a magazine and didn’t notice anyone else come in to the bathroom,” he said.

The penis, which entered the glory hole through the adjacent stall, eventually stopped when its attached pelvis made contact wit the unyielding vertical structure that constituted the stall border. Once all the way through (including testicles) an expectant cough sounded from the stall next to Ramirez’s. “Hey you got the wrong idea,” exclaimed a panicky Ramirez, at which point the penis withdrew as slowly as it entered.

Beautiful, charming girl provides escapist fantasy for everyone but herself

Portland, OR—Casual surveys and informal canvassing indicate that everyone is in love with Bess English, the striking and intelligent young woman who works at the coffee shop around the corner. “Bess is so sweet. If I ever took her out on a date I’d look up something really cool & unique for us to do. Like my ex-girlfriend [Kelly Spurlock] used to do for me.” Patrons of Blue Bean Coffee agree that English, a recent college graduate, is fun to talk to, laughs at your jokes, and is disarmingly modest given her evident beauty.

When preparing espresso drinks, after the morning rush, English frequently enjoys conversation with customers as they stand near the pickup counter. “She’s the kind of girl you imagine kissing. Not just having sex with,” remarks Justin Vick. Blue Bean regulars often report a sense of well being and optimism after conversing with the lovely young barista. “I get the impression she might like nature hikes,” reports Sarah Bailey, another Bess admirer, “I could really see myself getting into that too, with the right person.”

English herself was not reached for comment.

100 percent of Wisconsin children disapprove of teachers union

MADISON, WI—A recent poll finds that all Wisconsin children surveyed highly disagree with the statement, “Teacher’s unions are in the right.” The surly and mutinous charges of the embattled public employees expressed hostility towards teachers calling them, “a bunch of bossy know-it-alls.” Many children went further, calling for the beheading of teachers followed by the barbecuing of their heads and that their bodies be subsequently, “flushed down the potty.”

Chilean government condemns future acts of homosexuality by trapped miners

Apple has done it again. Reviews from technology critics and consumers alike confirm the superiority of the iPhone 4 to all earlier iPhones. In every way the product has either improved or not gotten worse. In doing so, Apple has yet again succeeded in providing a product which can be respectfully presented to consumers. “Our new iPhone has many features that previous versions did not and never will so only those who buy the iPhone 4 will be able to experience these amazing new features,” said lead developer Alex Kilmartin.

Many people, who were impressed and astounded by the iPhone 3, now feel stupid and foolish as they are faced with the incontrovertible fact that it is inferior, “I thought the iPhone 3 was an amazing technical marvel when it came out. If I had only known the wonders of the iPhone 4 I would never have been taken in by its the homely charms.” Others thought they had learned their lesson after iPhone 2 but found themselves yet again delighted by the the wondrous new machine. “By giving consumers an affordable device that uses technology not widespread enough to have been tarnished by overexposure we have created the impression of an object originating from our own future,” claims Apple marketing guru Derrick Gleason.

However some critics have been eager to point out that no matter how great the iPod 4 may seem now it is sure to pale in comparison to the iPod 5.

Guinness record set by fattest man ‘alive’

Mark Grattler of Bend, Oregon has been confirmed as the heaviest male technically considered alive. At 1,342 pounds Grattler fills the king size bed, to which he has been confined for the last four years, like a breathing corpse. Less a man than a machine for converting food into excrement, Grattler hopes to someday be free of his own flesh.

Due to the many folds and stale pockets of flesh throughout his body, Mark suffers from a variety of skin disorders which leave him in condition of semi-decay and cause an oppressive odor to fill the room if he is not cleaned regularly like a human fish tank. Since he has not moved from his bed in so long Grattler can see the contours of his ceiling in perfect detail even with his eyes closed. While he would very much like to visit the outside world Mark is so massive it would be necessary to cut a hole in his house in order to extract him from the premises.

“I’m thinking of trying the Zone diet. I heard that worked for Manuel Uribe,” said the enormous chunk of humanity.

Wimbledon tournament gentlemanly display of good sportsmanship

All in attendance concur that this year’s Wimbeldon was an honorable effort on the part of both players.

• Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder Suicide Pact

• Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner

• Wrecking Ball Operator Wins Big in Slamming of Abandoned Pog Factory

Some were originally printed in the Heuristic Squelch