Friendship is a strange thing. As I see it, life’s a competition to obtain the most prizes which means that anyone else should be thwarted at every available opportunity.
Can’t tell whether I just got fired or quit but either way my boss is dead.
Water is clear up close but looks blue from far away. Scientists are still puzzled by why we cannot see the entire contents of the ocean just by standing on the beach. Oil and chemical companies also use the ocean to store toxic waste. No one cares because fish do not vote. Water can destroy […]
I’ve got a few bad habits but who doesn’t? Sometimes I bite my nails, big deal right? Sometimes I bite other people’s nails, why should they care? They weren’t using them. So like I said, maybe I have a bad habit of cutting people off in traffic, it’s just that every time I see someone’s […]
“First things first,” I always say. I say it all the time and no one ever disagrees. This is because I’m the boss around here and if people disagree with me I fire their asses. One time, I had a sandwich that didn’t agree with me so I fired that too. Some people beg me […]
In the Star Trek universe, when one space faring race encounters another they always have at least one thing in common. Both their ships are oriented the same way vis a vis up/down. But space has no objective up/down axis. Nonetheless, every time the Enterprise runs into some Romulans it always looks like this:
Conan is scorching the earth as he leaves NBC. He just spent 1.5 million on a segment just to spite the network that has spurned him. Conan blowing 1.5 mil Here are some more ways Conan can waste NBC’s money: Buy the audience tickets on the space jet Have Andy Richter replaced with a shark […]
A younger man CAM, dressed in overalls, is talking with GUS who is old. CAM What a day huh Gus? GUS You’ve got to get one more tent up before nightfall but I can’t help you with it. CAM Why? You tired or something? GUS No I can’t help you with that tent, because it’s […]
(to be used in case I am ever elected to anything) A lot of people have criticized my tactics and many of you have called me names. Well who’s calling names now you stinking animals? Shut up!
In the last few days I’ve been asking people about their plans for New Year’s Eve. So I wrote down some of the more popular and interesting responses. Get drunk Get wasted Get drunk and wasted Make up for entire year’s worth of disappointing parties Rape Anxiously host new Year’s party and pray friends come […]
This is a sketch I’m currently working on to be performed at a time and location as of yet undetermined. So both of you are test subjects for our new truth serum? A: Yes B: No You’re not both here for the serum experiment? A: No B: Yes Are you here for the experiment? A: […]
Making a Resume 1. Impress them from the first glance: print it on human skin. 2. Use action language instead of saying, “I carried water” say “I expedited vital resource acquisition” or instead of saying, “smuggled ammo” say “re-purposed rectal cavity”. 3. Don’t use complete sentences. It will set you apart and you will be […]
The clown car trick is accomplished through brute force Tight rope walkers make the best drunk drivers You can only become the fattest man in the world by eating your predecessor Every full moon the gypsies gather to steal hubcaps Elephants never forget to go the bathroom