Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Children tend to get kidnapped for ransom over spouses because criminals don’t want to gamble on the strength of marriages.
Friday, November 25, 2011
When I die I want to be shot out of a cannon… and into a children’s birthday party.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Cops always brag their techniques are “non-lethal” which is how the best torture should be.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Most of the people of Occupy Oakland want justice and real progress and some people are just hoping for a chance to kick a cop in the face.
Friday, September 9, 2011
I couldn’t be a cop because you have to beat people up and I’m not physically cut out for that. I’d just have to shoot everyone instead.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I am known for many things but not one of them is the murder of a famous actress. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because I’ve never murdered a famous actress, perhaps not. People know me as a safe driver, a good gift giver and an expert dog walker but not as the killer of a [...]
Whenever I’m thirsty for blood and I drink some it just ends up making me more thirsty.
I know a guy who suffers from steroid induced rage. Once, I saw him throw his wife up a flight of stairs.
I used a kid in a SpongeBob costume to clean up the blood from a different kid.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Succulent carrion spotted by beady eyes of Meg Whitman Local pumpkin patch encourages wasting of food Habitable planet discovered, space race ensues to see who will destroy planet first
The other day I turned a fly into a “crawl”‘ and then I turned it into a “doesn’t go anywhere at all because it’s legs and wings have all been ripped off.”
Video games are teaching children that violence is OK, which really takes the burden off military recruiters.
Prisons are horrible. In my opinion they should all be torn down and you should probably take the inmates out first.
Here are some wisecracks to use in the futuristic hell scape. How many pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There are no more light bulbs or Poland. What do you get when you cross a hooker and a poodle? A horrible mutant. What did the sailor say when he saw [...]
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Our penal system is based on the concept of reform. We take people and then reform them into something horrible.
Nobody cares when a snowman melts. But when fireman does the same thing…
This is a short sketch that I wrote to illustrate the absurdity of the near-death mindset, and the often dark comedy that has taken hold in recent decades. If you like, print it out, get some special effects and iMovie and go shoot the thing – I’d love to see how it plays out in [...]
If you want to kidnap an old man don’t bother to tie him up, just make him sit down in a beanbag chair. He’ll never escape.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sometimes we say a troubled man is a ticking time bomb; it’s particularly accurate in the middle east.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Few things are creepier than a person’s name on a to do list.