The best way to protect your child from a school shooting is to make sure he’s the shooter.
If I were a Samurai I’d always be cracking up the other Samurai, and then I’d kill them.
Try walking into a room with a boombox and gun and yelling out, “Everybody get down!”
This serial killer was drilling a hole into my head and I was all like, “BOR-ing!”
Children tend to get kidnapped for ransom over spouses because criminals don’t want to gamble on the strength of marriages.
When I die I want to be shot out of a cannon… and into a children’s birthday party.
Cops always brag their techniques are “non-lethal” which is how the best torture should be.
Most of the people of Occupy Oakland want justice and real progress and some people are just hoping for a chance to kick a cop in the face.
I couldn’t be a cop because you have to beat people up and I’m not physically cut out for that. I’d just have to shoot everyone instead.
I am known for many things but not one of them is the murder of a famous actress. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because I’ve never murdered a famous actress, perhaps not. People know me as a safe driver, a good gift giver and an expert dog walker but not as the killer of a […]
Whenever I’m thirsty for blood and I drink some it just ends up making me more thirsty.
I know a guy who suffers from steroid induced rage. Once, I saw him throw his wife up a flight of stairs.
I used a kid in a SpongeBob costume to clean up the blood from a different kid.
Succulent carrion spotted by beady eyes of Meg Whitman Local pumpkin patch encourages wasting of food Habitable planet discovered, space race ensues to see who will destroy planet first
The other day I turned a fly into a “crawl”‘ and then I turned it into a “doesn’t go anywhere at all because it’s legs and wings have all been ripped off.”
Video games are teaching children that violence is OK, which really takes the burden off military recruiters.
Prisons are horrible. In my opinion they should all be torn down and you should probably take the inmates out first.
Here are some wisecracks to use in the futuristic hell scape. How many pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There are no more light bulbs or Poland. What do you get when you cross a hooker and a poodle? A horrible mutant. What did the sailor say when he saw […]
Our penal system is based on the concept of reform. We take people and then reform them into something horrible.