Dude: You gonna get lucky tonight? Me: I make my own luck. Dude: What does that mean? Me: I masturbate.
“I hate the internet.” “Then why don’t you marry it?”
A lady said I look like I smell so I says, “well then I must smell like a million bucks ’cause that’s how I look.”
I used to clerk at a Blockbuster. Customers would yell at me and I’d tell them, “I work here. Nobody hates this place more than I do.”
“What’s a laughing matter?” “Nitrous oxide, among other things.”
My friend asked me, “what are you going to do when you turn eighty?” so I said, “what do you mean when?”
A cartoon in which two men are dying hilariously.
There’s a parade called “How Berkeley Can You Be?” so I protested it.
If your acting teacher wants to know why you’re in his class don’t tell him that it’s to get better at sexual roleplay.
“Tired of online dating? You’re not alone.” Yes you are. That’s why you’re dating online.
A woman told me, “to say I love you for your virtues discredits me for loving you in spite of your defects.”
“It’s not that I fail to get your joke I simply refuse to.”
“It’s three quarters of a dollar.” “Couldn’t you just say it’s three quarters.”
My phone bill reads, “Printed on recyclable paper.” Not ‘recycled’ but ‘recyclable’. It’s like they already know I’m going to throw it out.
There’s a subtle distinction between going to a concert and yelling out, “play another one” versus yelling, “play a different one.”
They tell us to be happy with what we have. But that means I’d be even happier if I had even more of it.
“I like you, but as a friend” “A friend with benefits?” “Um probably not.” “Well how about just the benefits?”
I have a lot of secrets and that’s no longer one of them.
“I hate myself and I’m all alone” “No, you’re not alone. I hate you too.”
A guy walked up, looked at my espresso and asked, “is that Peet’s Coffee?” “Not anymore” I told him, “Now it’s mine.”