I used to clerk at a Blockbuster. Customers would yell at me and I’d tell them, “I work here. Nobody hates this place more than I do.”
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday is called “Humpday” because it’s the middle of the work week, when you really feel like you’re getting fucked.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Employers don’t like telecommuting because if you come into the office, even if you don’t do any work, they know at least they’ve ruined your day.
I got fired from a pharmacy for eating the merchandise.
“Everyone dies,” my uncle Ted once told me. So I killed him. If he had said “everyone lives,” I might not have. That’s the thing, everyone does live, or at least, everyone lives for awhile until they give it up to get a job. I myself have lived it up, lived in Napa and lived [...]
Monday, December 20, 2010
It feels like half of my fantasies of success are simply fantasies of revenge.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Ellen Degeneres stunt double: My tall lanky frame combined with the fact that Ellen has very few dangerous action scenes make me an ideal candidate for this position. Impersonal Shopper: I don’t know if I’d be cut out to buy things on behalf of a particular person but I could certainly go around buying stuff [...]
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A necktie functions like a tourniquet, preventing excess blood from entering the head.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Job applications always ask if you have any special skills. If I had special skills I wouldn’t be filling out a job application.
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Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.
Sometimes I wish I could telecommute to home instead of work.
There’s a fine line between house sitting and breaking into someone’s home while they’re on vacation and eating all their food.
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Mechanic: Otto Gardener: Rose Car Dealer: Mercedes Drug Dealer: Crystal Burglar: Rob Congressman: Bill Plumber: John Athlete: Jacque Cartoonist: Drew Tech Writer: Manuel Geneticist: Gene Computer Engineer: Chip Hip Computer Engineer: Mack Hippie: Van
As a waiter I do not grow food, I do not cook food, I only suggest food and then bring whatever a customer picks. I am, essentially, a food consultant.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
“First things first,” I always say. I say it all the time and no one ever disagrees. This is because I’m the boss around here and if people disagree with me I fire their asses. Onetime I had a sandwich that didn’t agree with me and I fired that too. Some people beg me not [...]
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
My integrity is not for sale and won’t be until it can fetch a better price.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The only bosses I like are the one’s unsuited for the job.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Making a Resume 1. Impress them from the first glance: print it on human skin. 2. Use action language instead of saying, “I carried water” say “I expedited vital resource acquisition” or instead of saying, “smuggled ammo” say “re-purposed rectal cavity”. 3. Don’t use complete sentences. It will set you apart and you will be [...]
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The main thing hard work has given me is a desire to criticize and punish the lazy.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Working in an office is such an act of misery it becomes tempting to hang oneself with one’s own mouse cord. Unfortunately, progress has given us the cordless mouse.