I mixed up my Christmas cards with my death threats. So look out co-workers: you’ll be getting Christmas cards.
In Silicon Valley work is play and play is horrible, excruciatingly thought out work.
Make your Monday a Friday by getting fired from your job.
My work computer should be labeled, “job search engine.”
Keep in mind that as soon as they can fire you: they will.
Someone put stapled paper through the shredder and it shredded the paper shredder.
White lie: we’re an equal opportunity employer.
Work parties are like regular parties with training wheels.
I love a three day weekend almost as much as I love a four day work week.
I used to clerk at a Blockbuster. Customers would yell at me and I’d tell them, “I work here. Nobody hates this place more than I do.”
Wednesday is called “Humpday” because it’s the middle of the work week, when you really feel like you’re getting fucked.
Employers don’t like telecommuting because if you come into the office, even if you don’t do any work, they know at least they’ve ruined your day.
I got fired from a pharmacy for eating the merchandise.
“Everyone dies,” my uncle Ted once told me. So I killed him. If he had said “everyone lives,” I might not have. That’s the thing, everyone does live, or at least, everyone lives for awhile until they give it up to get a job. I myself have lived it up, lived in Napa and lived […]
It feels like half of my fantasies of success are simply fantasies of revenge.
Ellen Degeneres stunt double: My tall lanky frame combined with the fact that Ellen has very few dangerous action scenes make me an ideal candidate for this position. Impersonal Shopper: I don’t know if I’d be cut out to buy things on behalf of a particular person but I could certainly go around buying stuff […]
A necktie functions like a tourniquet, preventing excess blood from entering the head.
Job applications always ask if you have any special skills. If I had special skills I wouldn’t be filling out a job application.
Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.
Sometimes I wish I could telecommute to home instead of work.