There’s a fine line between house sitting and breaking into someone’s home while they’re on vacation and eating all their food.
Mechanic: Otto Gardener: Rose Car Dealer: Mercedes Drug Dealer: Crystal Burglar: Rob Congressman: Bill Plumber: John Athlete: Jacque Cartoonist: Drew Tech Writer: Manuel Geneticist: Gene Computer Engineer: Chip Hip Computer Engineer: Mack Hippie: Van
As a waiter I do not grow food, I do not cook food, I only suggest food and then bring whatever a customer picks. I am, essentially, a food consultant.
“First things first,” I always say. I say it all the time and no one ever disagrees. This is because I’m the boss around here and if people disagree with me I fire their asses. One time, I had a sandwich that didn’t agree with me so I fired that too. Some people beg me […]
My integrity is not for sale and won’t be until it can fetch a better price.
The only bosses I like are the one’s unsuited for the job.
Making a Resume 1. Impress them from the first glance: print it on human skin. 2. Use action language instead of saying, “I carried water” say “I expedited vital resource acquisition” or instead of saying, “smuggled ammo” say “re-purposed rectal cavity”. 3. Don’t use complete sentences. It will set you apart and you will be […]
The main thing hard work has given me is a desire to criticize and punish the lazy.
Working in an office is such an act of misery it becomes tempting to hang oneself with one’s own mouse cord. Unfortunately, progress has given us the cordless mouse.
I was fired from a job for leaving a sign on my office door that said, “gone fishing.” It seems they’re just really strict down at the aquarium.
I’m often tempted to bring a gun to work. I’m a comedian.
I’ve wasted so much time but it never seems to be enough.
There is no known way to turn back time but graduate school is a means to stop it.
They say, “don’t shit where you eat.” But they also say, “don’t eat where you sleep.” However, that doesn’t rule out sleeping where you shit. Which was how I got caught napping in my boss’s car.
Going to work is like holding yourself for ransom.
Company loyalty can often be explained via Stockholm syndrome.
To get up and face the day is to admit to the lack of alternatives.